Becoming A Cullen, Jasper's story
by KelliNew
Summary: Canon, pre-Twilight. Alice and Jasper joined the Cullens a few weeks ago. Jasper is struggling to become a member of this peculiar family, but he's having problems adjusting to a life so different from anything he's known.
1. Hunting with Emmett

**Becoming a Cullen **

**Chapter 1. Hunting with Emmett**

[_I love the idea of exploring what Jasper had to go through to become a member of the Cullens. We know that it was Alice's idea, so when and why did Jasper decide that he wanted to belong too? – reviews are deeply appreciated! Kelli_]

The sun had set and shadows were drowning the last of the light from the forest. A sudden meaty crack echoed across the silent woods. Jasper, crouched over his kill, recognized the sound. It was one he knew well, the snap of bone being broken. Tossing the drained deer carcass, his second that night, into a ditch, he shoveled dirt and rocks over it with his hands, burying the evidence. He ran in the direction of the sound, easily picking up Emmett's scent. Another scent intruded, became entwined with Emmett's. New to him. Like a deer, but different, heavier.

He was close now. Knowing what he was, how others saw him, Jasper was careful to make noise as he approached Emmett. Careful to walk into his eyeline rather than behind Emmett's back. Careful to leave a neutral distance between himself and his new 'brother'. When he stopped at the tree line, he could see Emmett kneeling over a large animal about thirty feet away. Jasper judged it unwise to move any closer while Emmett was feeding. No matter what Carlisle said, they were strangers to each other. He didn't want to trigger any of the violent behaviors instinctive to their kind. He'd seen too many die fighting over prey.

Emmett looked up at once. It was dark now, but that didn't matter to either of them. A surge of suspicion, of defensiveness swept over Jasper. His own past was written all too clearly on his face, his neck, his hands. The scars made other vampires wary of him, unwilling to believe that it was possible for him to offer them anything but violence. Emmett was reacting to that. Understandable. Jasper didn't let it upset him.

In response to Emmett's emotions, Jasper dropped his gaze, knelt down on one knee with his hands hanging loose, showing he wasn't going to attack, radiating calm to backup his moves.

It offended his pride to do this. To back down. Humiliating to a man who'd spent most of his life as a leader of troops. He choked back the feeling, knowing it was a remnant of the dominance games he'd played in Maria's army. Games that had too often turned into a personal battle with yet another newborn vampire eager to take Jasper's place. He hadn't lost a single fight, killing without compunction, without remorse. And tonight he was making himself small to a vampire half his age with nothing like his experience. Jasper forced himself to do this for one reason and one reason only. Because Alice wanted them here. More, she _needed_ to be here. So he would do whatever it took to make a place for himself in this strange coven that called itself a family.

Even this.

His gesture worked. Emmett went back to his meal. A few minutes later, he stood up, wiping his mouth. He smiled at Jasper. "You done hunting too?"

The smile held nothing but welcome. No self-satisfaction at seeing Jasper's submissive behavior. A strange thought crossed Jasper's mind. _Emmett didn't understand my gesture_. _Brought into a family, not a coven, he's never been in a dominance fight._ The idea was so peculiar that Jasper froze. More things to consider. He'd have to change his strategy.

Recovering, he got up and crossed the meadow to stand opposite Emmett over the large animal. Jasper catalogued its features. Shaggy brown fur, huge horizontal antlers, large hoofs. It was obviously an herbivore, but of a kind he'd never seen before.

"Yes, I'm done hunting," Jasper finally answered. His eyes glued to the animal, he asked, "What is the heck is this thing? Had no idea that any species this big had survived outside of Texas."

"What's in Texas?"

Emmett's emotional tone changed to eagerness, as if he were delighted to hear of another animal that might offer him a challenge. _That's right. Emmett likes to wrestle bears_. Jasper said, "Buffalo."

"They put up a good fight?"

"Not for us."

"Oh." Disappointment flavored Emmett's voice. He gestured to the animal at his feet. "Anyway, this a moose. Lots of 'em here in Maine."

"How big is it?"

Emmett shrugged. "Don't know."

It was clear that he didn't care, either. Jasper let it go. He'd find a book on local wildlife later.

"Tastes like deer," Emmett continued. He caught Jasper's grimace. "Yeah, not my favorite either. The good thing is that you only need one to feel full."

"The bad thing is that you then have to bury..." Jasper strode the length of the carcass and took a guess, "… all two tons of it."

Emmett laughed. "That's true! Give me some help?"

"Sure." Jasper hoped Emmett hadn't caught the slight hesitation. He was proud of himself for repressing his own knee-jerk anger at being asked to do someone else's manual labor. He averted his face to hide his expression. He had to remember that he wasn't anyone's superior here. It took an effort, but already reminded once tonight of the Cullen's skewed view of their world, he re-factored Emmett's actions. Jasper replayed Emmett's reaction and decided that he hadn't been trying to be insulting, instead it was a sign of his willingness to accept Jasper as family. He'd simply asked his brother to help him. _It's still peculiar, though_.

With the two of them, it didn't take long to finish burying the carcass.

"Want to head back?" Emmett asked.

"Not yet. Can we follow the river for a bit? Maybe we can find some trace of wolves or coyotes for the next hunt."

"Okay."

Jasper had no reason to hurry to the house. Alice was shopping in Portland with Esme. He'd hated letting her out of his sight in this strange place, with a vampire he'd known less than two months. If Alice had gone with any of the Cullen's children, Jasper would have insisted on going along. Esme though, was as odd as her husband. Both strangely gentle for beings that survived on blood. He was still trying to understand how the Cullens could just welcome two strange vampires into their home without a second thought. That Carlisle could even conceive of creating a home was another peculiarity he was attempting to adjust to.

Odd. That summed up the Cullens. Though some Cullens were odder than the others.

"Can I ask you something?" Jasper asked.

"Sure."

Jasper appreciated the undertone of humor that seemed to be part of Emmett's normal emotional state. He was far more easygoing than his volatile mate. Despite that, despite Emmett's seeming acceptance, Jasper hesitated. He'd wondered who he should talk to about his problem. Alice didn't seem able to help. As soon as she'd had been welcomed by Carlisle and Esme, she'd made a mental and emotional leap so deep that she considered herself a Cullen from that moment on. He hadn't blamed the Cullens for that. Alice had longed to be part of this family since the day she'd become a vampire. He was the one having trouble adjusting.

"It's about Edward," Jasper said.

Emmett gave a sharp crack of laughter. He flung himself to the ground, his back against an ancient pine. He patted the needle-covered ground beside him. "This should be good. Ask me."

Jasper blinked. This behavior was another oddity. He could think of no reason why they needed to sit to talk. _Oh, he's used to pretending to be human_. Encouraged by Emmett's willingness to listen, Jasper sat down cross-legged in front of him.

"How are you able to get along so well with that-" Jasper remembered in time that Emmett and Edward had been brothers for decades and substituted his original wording for something less cruel, "… that stuck-up brat?"

Emmett pretended to gasp in disbelief. "You mean you're not ready to worship at the altar of Eddie?"

Jasper felt a smile tug at his lips at the sarcastic tone. "No. Can't say that I am."

"He's a pain in the ass, isn't he?" Emmett shook his head. "You should hear what Rosalie thinks about him."

Jasper frowned. He'd observed as much as he could of the interactions between the Cullens. Though the house they were living in was large, the shared spaces were limited. He'd automatically had tracked the tensions, the small irritations, the way they treated each other, seeking out their weakness, defining their loyalties. They were surprisingly tolerant of each other. Willing to work together. The occasional squabble had been peacefully ended by Carlisle or Esme. The only major confrontation had been between Alice and Edward when his wife had blithely informed Edward that she was taking over his room. That had been an interesting conversation. The memory of the bewildered expression on Edward's face, the way he'd given in to his enchanting wife, could still make him smile. On the other hand, he hadn't witnessed anything memorable between Edward and Rosalie. "Rosalie and Edward seem to get along."

Emmett snorted. "Yeah. They get along in front of Carlisle and Esme. Otherwise, they stay out of each other's way. When they don't, things get messy."

"Did something happen between them?"

"I think so, but whatever it was, it happened before I was brought over. Edward won't talk about it and it makes Rose angry when I try to bring it up." Emmett shook his head. Another grin. "Then again, almost anything Eddie does gets Rose upset."

"Interesting."

"What's interesting?"

Jasper wasn't sure yet what kind of man Edward was. With a gift like his it would be easy for Edward to manipulate the others until he ruled them all. The scary part was that they wouldn't even know it. He knew what he could do. He'd kept himself alive by manipulating Maria and others, or he would have been dead long ago. Wary of alerting Emmett's of his suspicions, Jasper choose his words with care. "If something had happened, then it's interesting that Edward didn't complain about Rose to you. Make you distrust her."

Emmett slammed a meaty fist into the open palm of his other hand. The sound of rocks slamming together echoed outward, silencing the woods around them again. He gave a savage smile that showed his teeth. "Eddie ain't that stupid."

Emmett's emotions didn't support his threat. He was more amused at the idea than angry. Jasper didn't understand. "Edward makes your mate upset, but you still like him?"

"Eddie and I have known each other for what? Seventy years? He can be an asshole sometimes, sure, but overall he's a pretty decent guy. Once you get over the whole mind-reading thing. And his prissy attitude."

Alice had told him about Edward's talent long before they'd ever met the Cullens in person. He'd met close to a thousand vampires when he was with Maria. In all that time, he'd never met another vampire that had any type of extra ability that was strong enough to be used in a meaningful way. If he hadn't been gifted himself, if he hadn't met Alice with her own extreme gift, it would have been hard to accept that telepathy existed. He'd accepted the idea that is was possible, but it was only when Edward had responded to a question he hadn't asked out loud that he truly believed it. The only thing that made it bearable to be around Edward now was knowing that he couldn't randomly see around inside Jasper's head, that Edward could only access his current thoughts.

"It's hard," Jasper said. "Realizing that you don't have any privacy with him in the house."

"You get used to it. Mostly." Emmett shrugged. "It bugs Rose when he sticks his nose in our business."

Jasper nodded. Rose and Emmett were blatant about their physical relationship. While it was impossible for Jasper to hide what he was, he dreaded having anyone know the details of what he'd done. Worse was knowing that Edward could be there, in his head, watching as he touched Alice, loved Alice. _Horrible_. A roil of depression hit him. He pulled it back, careful not to let his own emotions bleed out over Emmett.

"The idea of him. In my head. Watching." That was all Jasper could say before his voice shut down. Just saying this much out loud was a struggle.

"Sorry, man." Emmett reached out with his right hand.

Jasper was fifteen feet away, snarling, before Emmett could come close to touching him. The expression of surprise on the big vampire's face was matched by the same emotion spilling out from him. An odd emotion followed closely on the heels of the first one.

Hurt.

A second to understand and then Jasper cursed his own warrior's reactions. Emmett had been _reaching out to_ _comfort him_. He shook his head. How in hell could he have been prepared for that? That another vampire he'd known for so little time felt sympathy for him was out of his experience. He stood up. "I'm so sorry. You just, sorta' startled me there."

Emmett stood up. "It's my fault. Carlisle said that we should…" He cut himself off, biting his lips.

Jasper waited, hoping that Emmett would finish.

Awkward now, Emmett said, "We should head on back."

"Okay." Becoming a Cullen was going to be a lot harder than Jasper had originally thought.


	2. Household Chores

**Becoming A Cullen**

**Chapter 2. Household Chores**

**[**_All reviews are deeply appreciated! Is this story going in an interesting direction? I love the idea of exploring how Jasper managed to join the Cullens when their lives are so different from his own bloody past, but maybe it's just me__**. Timeline: **__The great and wonderful Ms. Meyers gives contradictory timelines about Jasper. I think that the majority opinion is that Jasper and Alice met the Cullens around 1953, where I think it should be later, like the late sixties or early seventies, but what do I know? Will go ahead and use the 1953 date. And all that implies, like rotary dial phones. Ick. – Take care, Kelli _**]**

_Jasper Hale_

"I have a closet. My own closet."

Jasper had never heard that gloating tone from Alice before. Her eyes were bright with an emotion different than mere happiness. The feeling feathered across him with a sensation like effervescence bubbling across his skin. Delight, glee? He wasn't sure which word he should use. He rearranged the pillows on their new bed to get a better view as she whirled around the room she'd stolen from Edward. It was times like this that he valued his gift, enjoyed being able to participate in Alice's pleasure as she unpacked the brightly colored bits and pieces of clothing she'd bought while shopping with Esme. He couldn't dream of doing any one thing that would fill him with the same emotions that Alice was experiencing. All his joys centered on making Alice happy.

"Never thought I'd be jealous of storage space." Jasper made his tone light, letting her know he wasn't serious.

Alice spun around. Threw herself on the bed to grab Jasper around his chest, tucking her head under his chin. From sheer happiness to a state where she was trembling in a second. It wasn't like her. He wrapped his arms around her slight frame, desperate to understand the explosion of emotions churning through her. Closing his eyes, he breathed steadily, summoning calm, pushing it out to Alice. Her breathing steadied as she relaxed under the influence of his ability.

"I never belonged anywhere," Alice said, as if answering his unspoken question. "Now I do."

It should have hurt like hell to hear Alice admit that he wasn't enough for her. It didn't. How could it, when she'd gifted him with hope when all he'd known was desolation? Then she'd gifted him with her hand, her heart and he'd known love, felt love, for the first time since he'd left humanity behind him. No, he'd long become reconciled to the idea that some broken, aching piece of her heart needed to be with these people. It was just that the _idea_ of the Cullens, when they had seemed like part of an unrealizable dream, had been easier to accept. The reality was something else again. He couldn't say that to her. He wanted her happy. He kept his voice soft and said, "Honey, where you are is my home."

"Oh, Jazz." Alice pushed herself up to meet his eyes. She smiled, but then her smile wavered. "Is it bad here for you?"

"No," Jasper answered readily. "Different than what I expected, that's all. I like Emmett already. He's ready to like me."

She didn't seem reassured. Her tawny eyes slipped away from his. Jasper tensed, waiting for it. Her eyes met his again.

"Edward's already like a brother to me. I love him."

This time his jealousy was real. He'd seen it, felt their instant connection. The way their gifts complimented each other. That Edward could actually see Alice's visions meant that they could share each other in a way he never could. He hated the idea. Overriding his hatred was Alice's pain as she read his reaction in his face. At least he knew, with bone-deep assurance, that there was nothing sexual in their connection. He didn't think he could have borne that.

"He's a very dangerous boy," Jasper whispered in her ear, in a voice so low that no one else in this house of vampires would be able to hear it, needing to convince her. "Your visions aren't always accurate. You could have been misreading the Cullen's relationships. All I want to do is be sure it's safe for you to have him as a brother."

Her tiny hands clenched his shirt. "Please don't hurt him."

A whiplash of pain struck Jasper with all the force of a real blow. Usually when he saw himself in Alice's eyes, she let him forget what he really was, a killer of innocents and a danger to their own kind. That she was asking him this for Edward's sake made it a hundred times worse. He froze, not knowing what to say, what to do except to shield her from his own pain.

"I've tried to say this a hundred different ways and it always comes out wrong." Her voice reflected her own sadness. "If you fight him, hurt him, it'll go wrong for us here. You don't need to. I trust Edward. I trust all of them."

Jasper couldn't speak for a moment. Alice's gift was incredible, but she didn't always see the entire truth. Her vision could show her a sunny beach with a thousand tourists baking in the sand, children running, balloons flying, leaving an impression of pleasure, but she might not see the sharks lurking in the ocean or the petty thief just looking for an unguarded wallet. He settled for saying, "I won't start any fights. I'll do whatever it takes to be accepted here. I promise you that. No matter what changes I have to make."

"You've already changed so much." She skimmed gentle fingers over his face, caressing his cheeks, his lips. He clung to her, needing his own reassurance that she belonged to him. "It seems unfair."

"You're worth it."

Alice forgot her new clothes. Wrapped around each other, they stared, gold eyes into gold, each amazed at what they saw there.

"School time!" Emmett's deep voice rang out. "Time for all good vampires to get their butts out of bed."

Lost in each other, they'd also lost track of the time. Alice leaped out of bed, all but invisible in her speed as she tore her clothes off and redressed in the outfit she'd carefully selected for her first day of school.

Jasper escorted her downstairs. He didn't understand Alice's eagerness to join the others in going to a building where she'd be surrounded by humans all day. Carlisle had suggested, if that was the word, that he stay behind. For now. Though Alice insisted that he would join them some day. Jasper had been relieved while at the same time he worried about Alice's safety. At least she wouldn't be alone. Carlisle had sworn that the others would help protect her. From what he'd read of his new 'sibling's' emotions, they wanted to help her, would indeed protect her. He wasn't so sure. That the school was close enough that he could run there during the day to check on her was the only reason he could endure letting her out of his sight.

Alice stepped outside with one final smile.

Jasper waited to see who would stay behind. In the two weeks that they'd been here, it hadn't escaped his notice that he was never left alone with Esme. He understood that they didn't trust him. Carlisle's pet telepath must have told everyone he wasn't as committed as Alice was to joining their coven. His admission to taking part in the territory wars didn't help either. It was logical that the Cullens would suspect him of having an ulterior motive, even that he might want to try to take over as leader. If he was a danger to them, they'd guess that he'd never take a chance on attacking Carlisle directly, but vulnerable Esme was an easy target. Holding the leader's mate as hostage would give him significant leverage.

It was ridiculous, of course. All those years with Maria, and he'd never felt any desire to destroy her and take her place. Even when her two closest allies had turned on her, desiring her territory, he'd never seen himself doing the same thing. Even when he'd sensed, every so often, that she was considering killing him, he'd merely considered leaving. If this lack of drive was a character defect, then so be it. He was content to let someone else be in charge.

It was Edward who walked back into the house.

Jasper let memories of Alice's face fill his mind, lingering on her gold eyes and the softness of her lips. It was difficult for him when it was Edward's turn to play guard dog. He was nowhere near comfortable with this strange, boyish vampire, worried about what might be plucked from his mind. He retreated upstairs to lose himself in a book.

------------

_Edward Cullen_

Edward watched Jasper disappear upstairs without a glance at him. His mouth quirked. He should be used to this behavior, this avoidance. It was typical of almost every vampire he'd met. Once the others became aware of his gift, they fled his presence. Yes, he should be used to it, but the repeated, flat out rejection of his essential self hurt. It wasn't like he could help it. His smile deepened as he realized he was pitying himself. _I'm being ridiculous_.

Esme set him to sweeping the already spotless kitchen. She kept a list of chores for each of them, and was relentless when it came to keeping their home clean. Personally, Edward didn't see the point, but he didn't complain, wanting to please her. He had another long, pointless day to fill in any case.

"Would you like to help me outside?" Esme asked. "I'd really like to get rid of all those leaves in the driveway."

"It's Fall," Edward pointed out. "That's what leaves do. Why don't we wait till they've finished doing all that falling and _then_ clean up?"

"Edward."

He grinned down at her. She was very good at the mom tone of voice. "Fine, fine. But, hey, when are you going to give Jasper some chores?"

She looked stricken. Then Esme gave him a guilty look. '_I'm a little scared of him'_.

Edward's amusement fled when he read that thought. He couldn't help the growl that slipped out. Knowing that Jasper would hear anything spoken out loud, he shook his head and mouthed, "Don't be." Out loud he said, "Why don't you let Jasper and I do the leaves? Do you mind if I ask him to help?"

"Of course, dear." Esme looked relieved. "Then I'm going to go out back to get some flowers."

He nodded, returning to his sweeping. The arrival of Alice and Jasper had certainly complicated their lives. Though he was delighted with his new sister, he wasn't yet sure about Jasper. His hands on automatic, Edward thought back to the afternoon , hours after the couple had appeared at their home.

-----------------------

_Two weeks earlier _

In his father's office, Edward stood beside Carlisle as they watched their new family members trail Emmett and Rosalie toward the lake. The newcomers needed to know where it was safe for them to hunt. Esme was curled up in one of the room's oversized chairs behind them.

"What do you think?" Carlisle asked. "Am I making a mistake in letting them join us?"

"I'm sorry that I missed their arrival," Edward said. "I'd feel more comfortable if I'd heard what they said first hand. I wonder if it was deliberate?"

"I don't know," Carlisle said. "From what Alice explained about her gift, I'd have to say the timing was deliberate."

Esme chuckled. Both Edward and Carlisle turned to her in surprise.

"Surely you understand why?" Esme was smiling. "Alice wanted Edward's room. How much easier to convince us to let her have when you weren't here to argue?"

"Oh, right." Carlisle nodded. "Anyway, Edward, I'd still value your opinion."

"Alice is a treasure. Not just for her gift," Edward said, a smile touching his lips. "She's as committed to this lifestyle as any of us."

"Esme? What do you think?"

"Alice seems so happy to be here," Esme said. "Perhaps it's silly, but I feel as if she were a daughter already. I'd love her to stay."

"All right." Carlisle turned away from the window. "I'd love to have Alice stay too. I'm not as optimistic about her mate. Edward, what were you able to read from him?"

Edward took his time before answering. "He's pleased that Alice is happy."

"But you're concerned because…?" Carlisle prompted.

"He didn't have a single thought that I'd interpret as being pleased to be here for his own sake, that's one. Two, I've never heard a vampire think the way he did."

Carlisle's gaze sharpened. "For instance?"

"Jasper was focusing on two things at once." Edward tapped his head. "Just like we all can. He was constantly assessing everyone's posture and position. Plotting distances and reaction times, memorizing each room's furniture arrangements and figuring out how he'd protect Alice and get her away if any of us attacked."

"Why is that so different? Isn't that what we all do when we meet strange vampires?" Esme asked.

"Not like this. Most of us rely on our instincts. It was like he was in a military engagement. Very calculated and deliberate."

"Jasper mentioned being a major before he was turned," Carlisle said. "That he fought in the blood wars down South. That would explain it, yes?"

"He had to tell us something to explain all those scars, didn't he?" Edward's voice was hard. "I'm sure he's holding back something worse."

"What makes you believe that?" Carlisle asked.

"Alice knew what my gift was. She must have told him about it. Jasper had already worked out how to block me when he didn't want me to know what he was thinking."

All of them considered the ramifications.

"He doesn't know us. Doesn't trust us," Carlisle said. "I'm not surprised that there are incidents in his life he doesn't want to share with us."

"You said that Jasper was thinking about two things." Esme prompted.

"Oh. He was trying to figure out our relationships."

Esme laughed. "Picking out mated vampires isn't hard. Even I can do that."

"Again, it was more than that." Edward lifted his hands in frustration. "He was trying to figure out the power structure or something. It's hard to explain precisely. I'd swear that he could sense that Rosalie and I aren't the best of friends, but that Emmett and I are."

"Summarizing, Jasper isn't sure he can trust us and we're not sure he wants join our family, which means we can't really trust him fully. At least not yet." Carlisle asked.

"Wait. Doesn't that mean that Jasper fully doesn't trust Alice's gift?" Esme asked. "Alice said that she'd seen them living with as members of our family. That's why she came to find us in the first place."

"Or maybe he just better understands her gift's limitations," Edward said. "Alice did say that the future isn't fixed, so that her gift wasn't one-hundred percent accurate."

"I'm encouraged though," Carlisle said. "From what you told us of Jasper's thoughts, he was strictly planning defensive moves. Trying to understand us. You didn't hear him thinking of acting against any of us, right?"

"That's true," Edward said.

"Jasper's eyes are gold. That can't have come easily to him, and it means a great deal to me," Carlisle said. "I do admit that what he told us about his past concerns me. He has a set of ingrained instincts that go with that violent life. After a lifetime of living in that environment, how adaptable can he be?"

"From what Alice showed me, he'd already put that past behind him when they found each other," Edward said. He shrugged. "I'm not sure that Jasper would have ever considered joining us without Alice, but he does want to stop killing humans."

"The strongest point in his favor so far."

"We can't ignore that Alice loves him," Esme said. "I think that means a lot too."

"_But love is blind, and lovers cannot see,"_ Edward quoted.

"Edward." Esme's voice was tight. "You promised me that you wouldn't quote Shakespeare for at least a year. It's only been five months, two weeks and five days."

"A thousand apologies," Edward kissed Esme's hand. "I'll try to restrain myself in the future."

Esme chuckled and ruffled his hair.

She knew perfectly well that he hated it when anyone touched his hair and he growled in pretend annoyance.

She laughed at him. He grinned at her and moved back to the window.

"Carlisle, I wondered about Jasper's ability." Esme said. "Have you ever heard of another vampire that's an empath?"

"None that strong. The ones I knew could sense strong emotions, but not influence them. Such an peculiar gift for one of us." Carlisle sat down beside Esme. "Cruel."

Esme eyes widened. "Oh. I hadn't thought of that. To feel your victim's terror as if it was your own."

They were all silent, considering it.

"His talent could be very useful," Edward said, letting his voice reflect his amusement. "Rosalie could use a little calming now and then."

Carlisle and Esme laughed.

"Oh, wait, you'll both enjoy this," Edward said. He waited, then said slowly, "Jasper is terrified of Carlisle. I might not be an empath, but that thought came through clearly enough."

Edward grinned at the surprised look on his parent's faces.

"Why?"

"Mostly because of me and Emmett. He thinks that you must be concealing some amazing ability that allows you to dominate us. Otherwise, why would we stay here as your subordinates?"

"Didn't Alice tell him that we're a family?" Esme asked.

Edward nodded. "He doesn't believe that. He thinks it's just another name for a coven. He thinks you're pretending to be kind as some sort of trick to get him to relax his guard. That's when you'll take off your mask and demonstrate your real nature and power."

"What does Jasper think that Carlisle will do then?" Esme asked. It was clear that she didn't think it was amusing.

"That Carlisle will force him to submit publicly by hurting him or Alice until he does. Then you'll start ordering every minute of his existence and Alice's." Edward said. "It's what he's used to from a coven leader."

"That explains his interest in our relationships," Carlisle said.

"Yes. The emotional atmosphere in our home is definitely confusing him."

"That's troublesome," Carlisle said. He shook his head. "If he truly believes that I'm a threat, he may well interpret something innocuous action I take as something more insidious and react accordingly. Maybe we should reconsider his living here until he learns to trust us. Edward?"

"He trusts Alice," Edward answered. "She acts as a governor on his behavior. He listens to her. I think it would send the wrong message if we asked him to leave."

Carlisle considered it. "Perhaps if you spend time with Jasper, you could show him how we work together as a family?"

Edward folded his arms. "Me? Carlisle, he's so paranoid that he'll think that you're deliberately siccing' a mind-reader on him to find out his secrets and weaknesses. It can't be me." He corrected himself. "Or can't be just me."

Carlisle rubbed a finger across his lips. He sighed. "We'll work something out, some way to reassure him. I hate the idea of turning anyone away who's worked so hard at changing their lives."

-----------------------

The phone rang, pulling Edward out of his reverie. Wincing at the shrill tone, he ran to the living room where the black rotary phone had a place of honor on its own end table. He picked it up on the second ring.  
"Hello?"

"May I speak to the head of the household?" A male voice in a rapid monotone asked.

_Damn telemarketers_. _Wait, this could be fun_. In his most seductive voice, Edward said, "Maybe. First tell me what you're wearing."

Dead silence.

"Sir, I'm calling today to tell you about a great opportunity in new telephone services." It was obvious that caller was reading from a script.

"Sounds great. Maybe we could meet in person to talk about it," Edward purred. "Your voice is so sexy. Do you have a beard? I love stroking… beards."

A strangled sound at the other end and the phone was abruptly hung up.

Edward chuckled. He hung up and turned around, knowing Jasper was behind him. He hadn't heard footsteps, but no one could hide their thoughts from him. He wondered if Jasper was testing him.

"Ready to rake leaves?" Edward asked, taking it for granted that Jasper had heard his conversation in the kitchen with Esme.

Jasper pointed to the phone. "Can you teach me how to use that thing first?"

This time Jasper did startle him. The words slipped out before Edward thought to censor them. "You don't know how to use a phone?"

"Never had a reason to before." Jasper shrugged. "Alice was always with me."

"Oh. Right." Edward hadn't realized how far outside the human world Jasper and Alice had lived. Carlisle had been right to keep Jasper from attending school. Alice's gift would keep her out of trouble. She'd be able to _see_ potential mistakes before she made them and keep from exposing their secrets.

Jasper had no such safeguards.

Edward picked up the receiver to expose the dial. "Every telephone has its own number assigned to it ..."

Internally, Edward thought to himself, "_And here I thought I was going to be bored all day."_


	3. Schoolyard

**Becoming A Cullen**

**Chapter 3. Schoolyard**

**[**_Another day of Jasper trying to adapt to the Cullens and the Cullens trying to adapt to Jasper. The Cullens think that they understand Jasper, and his abilities - but they don't. Not yet. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much for the reviews! Take care, Kelli _**]**

_Edward Cullen_

Edward picked up his rake and did a slow circle, inspecting the driveway from the house to the road. He decided it was tidy enough, even for Esme. Two huge piles of red and yellow autumn leaves, scented with the fading sweetness of the summer sun's touch, stood side by side. He'd weighed down one with canvas and rocks to keep the wind from whirling them back into the drive. Jasper had followed his lead, doing the same to the other pile.

Finished, Jasper eyed the stacks, and then looked at Edward, an eyebrow raised.

"We'll wait till the others get home," Edward said, answering his unspoken question. "Then have some fun."

"Fun with leaves." Jasper's voice reflected his confusion. "How?"f

_How_? It seemed so obvious that Edward's jaw dropped. He thought about teasing Jasper by refusing to explain, but only for a second. Edward was sure his new brother would hate it. "We'll jump around in the piles, roll around."

Jasper stared at him. _These people are insane_.

The thought came through clearly. Edward grinned. "You'll see."

Jasper backed up. "I'm going to check on Alice."

_Not a good idea_. Carlisle had made it clear that he didn't want Jasper anywhere near the school. Or anywhere near humans in general. He'd warned them that the empath was going to be under enough pressure adjusting to their home. With his admitted control problems, it just wasn't safe.

"I could drive you," Edward said. "It'll give us a safe place if the sun comes out."

"If I say no?"

A challenge. He couldn't read Jasper's mind clearly now. His thoughts were jumping around too fast for Edward to get a grip on. What he could do was see the plain signals Jasper was giving off. Crouched posture, clenched hands, the wary expression back on his face.

"Then I'll see you later," Edward said, keeping his voice casual. He turned his back on Jasper, sure that by refusing the challenge he'd defuse it. He walked back to the house, ears straining to hear what direction Jasper would move.

"Would you teach me to drive?"

"Sure." Edward turned around. He couldn't help feeling a surge of relief. He was glad Jasper wouldn't be able to sense it. The emotion revealed too much. "Let me go tell Esme. If you want, you could pick a car from the barn."

Racing through the house, he gave Esme a quick update, and then joined Jasper in their newly renovated storage space. While it looked like a rather shabby traditional New England barn, Esme had remodeled the interior into a finished garage. The floor was stamped concrete. Sleek metal shelves and cabinets lined three walls while bright lights hung on long chains from the rafter ceiling. Since Carlisle had taken his Chrysler to work and his siblings had driven the Studebaker only two cars were left.

Jasper looked up from his examination of the red 53' Maserati. "This one?"

_Damn_. _Of course, he'd pick my favorite car. Why couldn't he have picked the jeep?_ Edward tried to smile, but it probably looked more like a wince. "Sure."

First, Edward walked him through the hand and foot controls. Then they moved on to starting the car. He had Jasper practice shifting into first gear and reverse in the front yard. On his first real practice run, Jasper drove the car straight toward one of the leaf piles, avoiding it at the last minute with a violent swerve that brought them racing toward the house and its raised foundation made of boulders concreted together.

Edward closed his eyes, saying a fond farewell to the car.

The brakes made a horrible grinding sound. Edward was flung forward, whacking his head as the car careened to a stop inches from one corner of the house.

The engine died. Edward sat up.

A moment of silence went by.

Jasper's thoughts were too chaotic for Edward to decipher. He restrained the urge to rub the dent where his head had crushed the dashboard. _Poor baby_. Leaning back against the seat, his sense of humor returned. He asked, "So, how do you like driving so far?"

Another moment of silence. Long for their kind. Edward waited.

"It's raht interestin'," Jasper said.

_What kind of accent is that_? Edward wondered. _I'll have to ask Alice_. He made a show of checking his watch. "It'll be lunchtime at school in about forty minutes."

Another long moment. It dawned on Edward that Jasper was waiting for him to scold him, or yell, or to take over and order Jasper out of the driver's seat. It was perhaps another test. He closed his eyes instead, willing to wait for Jasper to make a decision.

"Am I driving?" Jasper asked.

"Fine with me. If you crash it, we can run the rest of the way."

Jasper hesitated. "What'd Carlisle do if I damage this? Even if it's an accident?"

"It's my car."

'_What does that mean?'_ Jasper's thoughts came through clearly. '_That Carlisle will let him punish me instead of doing it himself? Can't stand the idea of having to let Edward hurt me. Maybe it'd be better to run there than try driving._'

"Jasper," Edward turned in the seat to look at him. "I bought this car with my own money. If you damage it, destroy it, I'll buy another one. That'll be the end of it."

The blond hadn't moved from his position, face forward, both hands clenched on the wheel. The one eye that Edward could see rolled toward him. "Carlisle lets you have your own money?"

The surprise in his voice got to Edward. He felt a surge of pity. Another feeling that he was glad Jasper couldn't sense. "We're a family. Not a coven."

Jasper kept repeating Edward's words in his mind. As if struggling to understand. Afraid to say anything more, confuse him further, Edward asked, "Do you want me to drive? You could practice more tomorrow."

"I kin' do it." Jasper restarted the car. Cautious now, he reversed the Maserati and headed down the driveway.

Edward let out the breath he hadn't been aware of holding. Jasper had trusted him. Then he corrected himself. No, that wasn't quite true. Jasper was consciously taking a chance, deciding that learning to drive was worth the potential risk.

The drive to the school was straightforward. Edward kept his directions and comments on Jasper's driving to a minimum. He hated being corrected, and he didn't think Jasper would enjoy it either.

When they pulled into the parking lot, Alice was already waiting with Emmett and Rosalie at one of the picnic tables at the back of the school. The overcast sky was a solid steel gray, nothing to worry about there. A handful of kids sat at the farther table, too far away from them to overhear any conversation. Not authority figures in sight. Relieved, Edward followed Jasper as he walked at a fast clip, but still with a human's range, toward his mate. Beaming, Alice jumped up to meet him. Edward expected drama on the scale of an Emmett and Rosalie reunion but that didn't happen. They came close enough to touch, then stared into each other's eyes. Alice smile was bright enough to start a fire.

All Edward could read from Jasper was '_Alice.'_ Simple, but so intense it overrode all the other voices. A flood of images that Edward would have prefered not to see followed her name. He bit a knuckle, trying hard to block it out. Rosalie spoke and Emmett laughed aloud, interrupting the moment. Jasper sat down beside Emmett with Alice close to his side. About to join them, Edward heard a familiar, unwelcome mental voice.

Vice Principal Reed was coming from around the building. No time to retreat. Nowhere to hide. "Heads up, Reed's headed this way, looking for trouble."

"Oh, no," Alice's voice shook. "This is bad, Edward. He'll try to force Jasper to go with him."

Jasper went rigid, a low growl vibrating his chest.

"Cool it," Edward hissed. Reed knew every student on sight. He'd guessed the identity of the new teenager sitting with the rest of the Cullens. He seemed delighted with an opportunity to embarrass Carlisle. His words a blur to a human, he said. "Jasper, I'm sorry, but we need you to act a little weird. Don't scare the human though."

Then they'd run out of time. What lousy luck. To dump this on Jasper without any preparation.

Reed stood over them, hands on hips with a pleased smile on his round face. His tone was gloating, ugly. "Well, well, the mysterious new Cullen. Why don't we take a walk to my office?"

Jasper let out a low cry of such desolation that it felt like a blow to Edward's gut. Then he folded over, his face pressed to the table, arms wrapped over his head, as if shielding himself from an anticipated beating. The long jacket sleeves pulled back, exposing his wrists. The deeply ridged bands of scars there were visible even to human eyes. It looked like Jasper had been manacled for months at a time. Alice rested her head against his shoulder, her face hidden.

'_Dear god, Cullen wasn't lying about the kid's foster parents abusing him._' Reed's smug thoughts evaporated.

Edward knocked Emmett's hand away as his brother went to drape a comforting arm across Jasper's shoulders. Emmett's look of surprise changed to guilt. '_Sorry_, _I forgot_.'

Standing up, Edward put a pleading expression on his face and gestured to Reed to step away with him. The man must have been in shock. He actually followed him.

"Sir, I apologize for bringing Jasper here to the school," Edward said. "We didn't know what else to do. My father couldn't be contacted and Jasper was getting increasingly upset." Edward shook his head. "This is the first time he's ever been separated from Alice. We didn't understand how… dependent he is on her. I think he just needed to see her. Make sure she's okay. We'll leave now."

"I'm going to have to call your father about this."

"Of course, sir. Again, I apologize." Edward returned to the table. Reed was smart enough to stay back, watching instead of interfering.

Edward bent down over Alice. "Alice, pretend to convince Jasper to come with me."

"Yes."

As Edward stepped away to give Reed a clear view, wanting to impress on him Alice's interaction with Jasper, she did as he asked. She appeared to whisper in Jasper's ear, then tugged on his arm, as if coaxing him up.

Face averted, Jasper stood up, a hand intertwined with Alice's as she led him toward to car. Edward got into the driver's seat. As they drove out of the parking lot, Jasper lowered the window, leaning out so that he could keep his eyes glued on Alice's face until they turned a final corner and she was out of sight.

Neither of them spoke until they were parked back in the garage.

"Am I in trouble? For going to the school?" Jasper asked.

"Well, Carlisle isn't going to be happy with either of us. However, I've been thinking about it. This might work out well. You did great. Reed bought into your act completely."

Another one of those sidelong glances. A single nod acknowledging the compliment. "Thanks for the lessons."

"You're welcome." Edward got out of the car. "Now we've got to warn Carlisle about Reed and let Esme know what happened."

Jasper didn't move, Edward winced under the strengthof Jasper's repeated thought. _Carlisle will be angry_.

Edward swallowed. No, there hadn't been any progress. Jasper didn't trust him. Didn't trust _them_. He's just been using Edward to get what he could out of him. Disappointment and anger flooded him. His mouth filled with venom. He closed his eyes, struggling to keep from growling; not wanting to let Jasper know that he was upset. It wasn't Jasper's fault. Distrust was all he'd ever known.

Then Edward's anger seemed to melt. Opening his eyes, he found Jasper standing nearby, watching him. Something was off about the _way_ he was looking at him. Jasper was thinking about Alice, blocking him from reading his thoughts.

Uneasy, Edward headed toward the house. It was harder this time to turn his back on Jasper. But necessary. He was building trust one crumb at a time.


	4. Office Visit

**Becoming a Cullen**

[Thanks_ to everyone for such great reviews. "Findthewill" thanks for your thoughtful reviews. You make some excellent points. Will have to address them. In this chapter, I've added something about Edward's past, not sure if folks will like it, but it made sense to me. Would love to hear whether you like it or not – flames are okay too. – Thanks for reading! Kelli]_

**Chapter 4. Office Visit**

Edward's phone call had come moments after an agitated call from Vice Principal Reed. Carlisle listened without asking questions. All he'd cared about was if their true nature had been exposed or if a human had been hurt. Or killed. That hadn't happened. Since that was true, they could solve any problem with the school's management. He was more worried about Jasper. His emotional dependency on Alice meant that they'd have to change the way they dealt with him.

Carlisle had asked Esme to move the loveseat into his office in place of the two chairs that normally stood across from his desk to the right of the door. When they came in, he gestured for Jasper and Alice to sit there. As he'd thought, Alice and Jasper clung together, waiting for his judgment. However, with her gift, Alice had to know that he wasn't planning on anything more than talking. Alice appeared to be comforting Jasper, keeping him calm. Edward was already there, sitting on the other side of the doorway.

"We need to talk about what happened today." Carlisle got the worst of it over with immediately. "I remember telling you, Jasper, not to go to the school."

Jasper didn't meet his eyes. "I didn't intentionally disobey you, sir. Wasn't going to set foot on the grounds. Just wanted to be close, make sure Alice was okay. She was already outside." Jasper's hands clenched. "Couldn't stop myself from going to her."

Carlisle turned to Edward. "If you hadn't driven Jasper to the school, Edward, this wouldn't have happened. Why did you help him disobey me?"

"I thought we'd stay in the car. I'm sorry, Carlisle." Edward added, "Jasper did a great job though. He convinced Reed that he wasn't ready for public school."

"We were lucky. I'm disappointed in both of you. Especially you, Edward. You know how important we stick to the rules to keep our family safe. For your part in this, you'll be doing the chore you hate worst for six months straight."

"Six months?" Edward's voice was horrified. "Carlisle, please don't-"

Carlisle gave him a stern look. Edward's protest cut off. "Yes, sir."

"Jasper. No books for a month." It had taken Carlisle some considerable thought to find something that would be a punishment for Jasper. A punishment without any physical component. Not for Jasper.

A gasp from Alice. From Jasper, no obvious emotional reaction at all. Just a nod. "Yes, sir."

It was over. Without too much trauma on anyone's side. Now there was one more matter to discuss. "Edward saw something that bothered him and he mentioned it to me. It's about the scars on your wrists."

Jasper's eyes narrowed. Edward leaned forward in his chair. Carlisle realized that he was reacting to some thought of Jasper's when he spat out, "I'm not Carlisle's spy!"

Carlisle jumped to his feet as rage raced through him. _How dare Jasper hurl such an ugly accusation at Edward?_ For the first time he could remember, he felt an urge for violence. He raised his hands, fingers splayed and ready to claw, felt his face contort with his anger.

Jasper and Alice were on their feet now, both in defensive postures. A low growl came from Jasper. Edward growled his own warning back. The sounds pierced through Carlisle's flood of emotions. _What am I doing? I've never felt like this before._ He made an intuitive leap. Dropping his hands, he forced himself to sit down. Keeping his voice calm, he asked, "Jasper, is this anger yours? Please stop it."

Jasper's hot eyes left Edward's face to glare at Carlisle. Then comprehension softened his expression. He dropped his eyes, visibly swallowed. "Ah'm sorry, sir. My control's usually much better."

The anger bled away, calm replacing it. Carlisle exchanged a bewildered look with Edward.

"Are you doing this too? Making us feel calm?"

"Yes sir." Jasper sat back down. Alice wove her hands around his arm, pressing against him. She looked shaken herself. "Should I stop?"

Carlisle nodded. As the calm evaporated, a dawning horror filled him. Jasper's manipulation of their emotions, his matter of fact question to him about stopping, made Carlisle rethink everything he'd understood about the vampire sitting across from him. His horror grew as he remembered Jasper's brief recounting of the near century he'd spent in the territory wars. A century he'd spent creating, teaching, fighting and murdering newborns.

A pulse of fear swept through the room. Carlisle looked up to see the same emotion on Jasper's face.

"It's all right, Jasper," Alice said. "Carlisle isn't angry at you. He's not going to hurt you. Or me."

"Jasper thinks you're repulsed by his gift," Edward added. He'd retreated to stand with his back against the shelves of books lining the left wall, as far away as possible from the loveseat. "That you'll send him away. He doesn't understand why you're upset now, when he'd already told you what he can do."

"Not repulsed." Carlisle shook his head. "I'm horrified at what was done _to_ _you_."

Confusion replaced the fear, then that emotion was gone as abruptly as if controlled by a switch.

"I apologize, Jasper," Carlisle said. "You did tell us what you can do, but I misunderstood the extent of your abilities. All of the vampires I've met that had some version of your gift were limited to sensing emotions only when they were touching another person. I assumed that you had the same limitation."

"Oh." Some of the tension left Jasper's body.

"You've demonstrated that you can control your ability to manipulate other people's emotions. Is your ability to sense emotions also under your conscious control?"

"No sir."

"You can't block out other people's emotions at all?" Carlisle pressed, wanting to be sure.

Jasper shook his head.

Carlisle let his amazement show in his voice as he said, "I simply don't understand how you managed to stay sane in the environment your coven created."

Jasper shrugged. "When it got bad, I could calm things down around me. Made it bearable."

Carlisle spread his hands onto his desk. He ached to know more, but wasn't sure if he should continue tonight or give Jasper some breathing space. Carlisle decided that he'd have to wait for delving deeper into the blond's past, but he did want, badly, to get one more answer tonight. "Your gift is much like Edward's then."

Jasper's eyes slid to glance at Edward, and then back at Carlisle. "Don't see how."

"Edward can't stop sensing other people's thoughts any more than you can stop sensing emotions."

Both Alice and Jasper appeared surprised.

"Which brings me back to the scars on your wrists."

Again, Jasper went rigid, his expression wary, tense. It was clear that his scars were a sensitive point. Carlisle made a mental note to talk to his other children and warn them not to tease Jasper about them.

"Edward's description reminded me of similar scars." Carlisle turned toward his oldest son. "I'm sorry to ask, but please show yours to them."

Reluctant, Edward walked to stand before Jasper and Alice. He pulled back the long sleeves of his gray jersey to expose his inner arms and the ridged line of silvery scars that led from his wrists up to his elbows.

"What are they from?" Jasper asked, clearly puzzled. "They don't look like bite marks."

Edward grimaced. He didn't want to talk about it, but Carlisle had warned him earlier it would be important. "When I was a newborn, I found that the only way I could keep from being completely overwhelmed by all the voices in my head was pain."

Rolling down his sleeves, Edward stepped backward. His eyes on the floor, his voice flat, he continued, "Couldn't use knives or scissors. Used just a couple of teeth to tear through my skin, then dig around with a fingernail. Then I found venom helped. Caused more pain. Helped keep the cuts open longer too. If I focused on the pain, I could remember who I was. "

Jasper and Alice seemed stunned.

"Then Carlisle found out what I was doing. He helped me find other ways to cope."

No one spoke for a long moment.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," Carlisle said. "But I need to know. Are you hurting yourself?"

(To be continued)


	5. Maria’s Management Style

**Becoming A Cullen**

[_Thank you so much for the reviews! Some interesting points were raised; here's my thoughts on them. 1) Edward's scars. I was envisioning them as being very fine lines, so they wouldn't be readily visible to a human's eyes even in sunlight. 2) Carlisle's role in the family. (As an aside, I loved the baseball scene in the movie. After the strange vampires show up, all of the Cullens keep shooting looks at Carlisle to see what he'll decide.) While Carlisle is far from being a dictator, he does have rules to keep his family safe, and there have to be consequences when someone breaks the rules. 3) Edward hurting himself. Never occurred to me that this would be associated with 'cutting'; Edward's problem wasn't emotional; he was using a small pain to distract himself from a worse one when he's suffering from sensory overload. 4) Tone: __**WARNING: This is going to get a lot darker, for Jasper anyway**__. After all, in every fairy story, bad things have to happen in order to have a happy ending. – Thanks for reading! Please review. Flames are ok. Kelli]_

**Chapter 5. Maria's Management Style**

_Jasper Whitlock_

It was Alice's reassurance that made it bearable to walk into Carlisle's office. I'm not afraid of much, but that vampire, there's something wrong about him. Can't understand the way he thinks. Way he acts. Back in Philadelphia, when Alice first told me Carlisle was a doctor, I'd laughed, thinking she was teasing me. It's damn unnatural.

It was peculiar that he wasn't angry at me or Edward. He was disappointed. _Disappointed._ As a father is disappointed with his children.

Then he punished Edward. I didn't get what it meant, but Edward sure reacted. He was upset, annoyed. Then resigned. Not afraid though. He wasn't even afraid before Carlisle started talking, like he knew Carlisle wouldn't hurt him. I've never felt fear from any of the Cullens when Carlisle's around. At least, not yet.

My punishment. Laughable when you consider what Maria would have done to me for disobeying her. It was a test of course. A test to see if I obey his gentle orders or not. Or if I'd need some greater discipline. Thing is, how would Carlisle know? Just trust me to obey when I'd already broken one of his rules?

The answer had to be Edward.

I knew I wasn't wrong when Carlisle said Edward had told him about the scars on my wrists. Yes, he was Carlisle's spy. No wonder he'd stuck around me all day. Edward had caught that thought. Didn't like it. Too bad. No matter how much he denied it, it was the truth. No wonder Rosalie despised him. I lost control then, let my anger flood out. Then almost lost my control again, when Carlisle shocked me by saying that he felt sorry for me, for what I'd gone through.

Really weird thing was that he meant it. I could feel it.

The scars on Edward's arms were a shock. The thin line of scars would have been invisible to humans, like most of my own scars, but they were obvious to vampire eyes. The shame flooding him made my flesh crawl. Not sure why he was ashamed. There'd been many a time that I'd have done anything, including hurting myself, to have some peace, but nothing blocked my gift. Lord knows I've been in pain, severe pain, far too many times. All it did was leave me even more vulnerable to my gift.

Then Carlisle asked a question I didn't want to answer. Didn't want to think about.

_"I'm sorry, Jasper," Carlisle said, "but I need to know. Are you hurting yourself?" _

Layers of memory peeled away. I was back in Maria's tent; light dim and smoky from torchlight. She was angry with me. Again. It hadn't been my fault. I'd only been protecting myself. Three of the latest batch of newborns had teamed up against me. I don't know why. I'd killed one in the first attack, but the others had managed bites before I killed the other. It was while I starting burn the bodies when Maria returned. Rescued the pieces. Took their heads.

Didn't understand why till later, when it was too late. I'd displeased her. Too many times. This time she wanted to impress the lesson on me. It was late. The moon had set. I remember that. Maria had raised the canvas flaps of the tents. Called all of us to her.

She was happy, filled with anticipation. My gift was too new for me to understand it. Didn't realize then that the _why's_ behind an emotion were as important as the emotion itself. I learned that lesson well that night. I'd thought that she'd gotten over her earlier fit of temper. I was wrong.

It's hard to bind a vampire. Even the weakest of us can shred steel.

Maria was clever though. Inventive.

"All of you. Grab Jasper. Bring him to me. On his knees." Maria's order rang out. I was too stunned to resist.

Their joy at the pain they inflicted on me as they dragged me to her made the pain worse. By the time I started fighting back, I'd already lost. They held me as Maria bound me. She must have thought about it for a long time. How to immobilize one of us. I'd even provided her with the raw materials she needed.

She disjointed me. Curled me up and pinned me to a slab of rock. Drove leg and arm bones from the vampires I'd killed between the tendons of the joints to keep them from healing. Drove more through my spine. Bound my wrists, my ankles with restraints made from jawbone. Teeth intact. They _moved_. Dug into me.

I screamed for the first time then.

Then she shoved my legs apart. I would have gladly died then. Would have just as gladly gone mad. No such escape existed. She stopped after awhile, bored. I couldn't stop screaming. When she got bored with that too, she patted my butt and told me she'd start again if I didn't stop. I whimpered, but I didn't scream anymore. When daylight came, Maria had me gagged. Threw a canvas over me. Ordered the others to build a cairn over me. Left me there. I don't know for how long.

When she came back, there was nothing left of Jasper Whitlock.

She brought me food. Loosened the bindings enough so I could rip out its throat and drink. The rich salty taste of blood was pure pleasure. Maria petted me while I fed. Told me how much it had hurt her to do this, to punish me. After I'd drained the first one, she gave me another human. After a few swallows, she told me to stop. I was still starving, aching with need. It didn't matter. I stopped.

That pleased her. Maria stayed with me, spoke to me for hours. Sometimes scolding me, sometimes praising me. I was too afraid to ask her to free me. I begged her forgiveness. When night came, she left me alone. At least I could see, could hear. Knew that I wasn't alone with I could sense others moving outside the tent she'd had erected over me. When daylight came, Maria removed the rest of the restraints. That was agony. Yet the ache to feed was greater than the pain as my body struggled to heal. She gave me a human that I drained in minutes. She had another human brought in, bound and struggling, but made me wait. Made me listen to her. The human's fear meant nothing to me. All I cared about was making the agony of the hunger stop. And pleasing Maria.

She told me it should have been a valuable lesson in obedience, in discipline. That she was pleased now that I was showing that I was obeying her. That as soon as I was healed that I would be her lieutenant, in charge of training all the newborns. To make an army for her, one that she would use to conquer enough territory so that neither of us would ever be hungry again.

Then she let me feed. It was another day before I could walk. Hours later my wrists healed, the deep, ridged scars a permanent reminder of Maria.

----

Carlisle called my name, returning me to the present. To the cozy office of Carlisle Cullen, my new coven leader. Maria had pretended to be kind too. At first.

"Jasper?" Carlisle spoke my name again.

All these years, these decades, I'd tried so hard to forget. We can't forget and the memories had swamped me, overwhelmed me. I'd tried to push them away, obscure them, afraid of what Edward would see. But his gift was so strong. I knew he'd seen too much. I wasn't able to speak. Just shook my head in answer to Carlisle's question. Couldn't stand to look at Edward, tried to focus on Alice, on Carlisle. They both were upset.

Carlisle had moved from behind his desk. Crouched down before me. "May I see?"

Didn't want to, but my hands obeyed, pushing up the sleeves to expose my wrists. I rotated them in response to his gesture.

He stopped breathing for a moment. Then he said, "The teeth marks are in the wrong direction for you to have done it yourself."

"Maria did it to him."

It was Edward, of course.

I couldn't bear it any longer. Being trapped in that room. Feel the weight of Edward's critical gaze. I was terrified of what Alice would think of me when she realized what I'd been hiding from her. Afraid of what I might do, having already lost control twice, I chose the coward's path and ran. I screamed at Edward in my head, '_Don't you dare tell Alice anything_!' Then I was gone.

I stopped running when I got to the coast.

(to be continued)


	6. Where do we go from here?

**Becoming a Cullen**

[_Thanks to everyone who left a review! FindtheWill – thank you so much for your thoughtful, insightful comments, I really love reading them. -- Tone: __**FAIR**__** WARNING: This chapter has more bad "things" about Jasper's past**__. I can understand that not everyone has the same taste, but I do love a tortured (literally, figuratively or whatever) character. As always, of course, the characters belong to the wonderful Ms. Meyers. – Thanks for reading! Please, please review. Flames are ok. Kelli]_

**Chapter 6. Where do we go from here?**

_Jasper Whitlock_

I'd followed the Kennebec through Augusta and down to the ocean. It was too cold now for tourists. Under my bare feet, the thin sliver of beach was a gravel pit. Grey. Cold. Barren. Suited my mood. From the minute I reached here, I'd regretted running, but sometimes there aren't any good choices. What I'd wanted was to grab Alice, then keep going until we were half-way around the world. Knowing how she felt about the Cullens, I couldn't do that to her. Knew that she'd be safe. Carlisle would cherish Alice for her powerful gift. Couldn't stay there either. No matter what Carlisle said, he couldn't hide his true feelings. Underneath his horror had been fear. I knew what that meant. Maria had grown to fear me too, for as I had gotten older, my control over my gift increased until it had become a weapon. When Maria had learned to fear me, she'd decided, off and on, to kill me. My gift had kept my safe.

Carlisle's fear had heated my own uncertainties, until my instincts had screamed to attack before he did. Edward would have been next. I had motives enough to want him gone and I knew damn well if I moved on Carlisle, Edward would have defended him.

Couldn't do that. Alice had bound my hands. I'd destroy myself before I ruined her dreams. So here I was. Nowhere. Can't go far from Alice. Can't go back and face her either. Not now. Then there was Carlisle. No coven leader would accept such a blatant rebellion. My emotions kept seesawing from fear to regret to dread. What I needed was numbness, the kind that had made it possible for me to live under Maria's rule. Every time I let myself think of her, regret rubbed me raw. It had taken me so long to understand my ability. Even longer to learn how to consciously control it. Would have saved myself a lot of horrors if I'd learned to master it sooner.

Days went by. I tried hard not to think, not to remember, not to feel, until a voice forced back to the world.

"Permission to come onboard?"

Emmett's voice didn't startle me. The wind had brought me his scent before he spoke. Had thought about running, further this time, but what was the point? Carlisle was holding my heart between his hands. He knew I'd come back. At least he hadn't sent Edward.

"Jasper?"

I stood up from where I crouched on the largest boulder that sat half submerged in the surging water. Emmett was cheerful, pleased with himself. He'd run his prey to ground, just like any good retriever. _No_. That was unkind. Emmett wasn't like that. I asked, "Onboard?"

"Huh? Oh, that rock, kind a' looks like the front half of a boat."

I nodded. No sense in putting it off any longer. With the rising tide, my jump into the water put me up to my chest in water. Not that I could feel the cold. Or that being soaked through and through bothered me. I'd been wet for days now, my clothes saturated with salt. Didn't matter. Nothing much mattered now. It was too hard to meet Emmett's eyes. I stood before him, waiting to hear what Carlisle wanted. Maria would have sent an army after me, if she'd wanted me back. Carlisle knew he could have sent gentle Esme and I would have come to heel without a struggle.

"You okay?" Emmett asked after a moment. He was uneasy now.

Okay? How could I possibly be okay? I shrugged.

"Come on, will you at least look at me?"

Oh, of course. Carlisle would want to know if I'd fed off humans. I looked up long enough for Emmett to see that my eyes weren't red.

"Your eyes are too dark. You're hungry."

I nodded.

"Not much to hunt around here. We could scrounge up some deer, okay?"

I nodded again. If he wanted to delay passing along Carlisle message, that was fine with me.

"By the way, Carlisle gave some letters for you. And a book he wants you to read." Emmett paused, and then said, his voice taken on an odd note. "He said you have his permission to read everything I give you."

Emmett's eager curiosity washed over me. It appeared that Carlisle hadn't told him about my 'punishment'. For a second, I debated yanking the backpack off Emmett's pack to find the letters, hoping one would be from Alice, but that would be foolish. He'd be sure to report my behavior. I didn't want to give Carlisle another reason to be angry with me.

"I'm hungry too. Wanna' go? You can read the stuff later." Emmett put his hand on my shoulder as if to urge me along. Then his hand flew off as if touching me had burned him. Guilt flooded him. "Damn! I keep forgetting. I'm sorry!"

"Sorry for what?" I had no idea why he felt guilty. He stared at me. I could feel his uncertainty. Then he made a decision.

"Carlisle told us not to touch you 'cause you're an empath. Said it could hurt you. Is that true?"

"Why would Carlisle be bothered about that?"

Emmett stared at me as if I'd gone mad. "For the same reason he's a doctor."

Couldn't think of anything polite to say to that.

"Jasper, Carlisle is a kind man. He can't stand seeing anyone in pain. Even humans."

Because I didn't want to offend him, I didn't fall down and roll around laughing. A _kind_ coven leader. Wonder how Carlisle kept that illusion alive among his followers.

"Is it true?" Emmett demanded.

Had to re-run the conversation again. "Oh. It depends."

"Jasper! Are you trying to drive me crazy! What does _it depends_ mean?" Emmett's frustration, his eagerness was strong enough to set my teeth on edge.

"Why does it matter so much to you?"

"Because I'm sick of doing it with Edward 'cause he's a damn mind-reader! Can't ask Carlisle now, can I?"

His eagerness, his heated tone, impassioned voice, intent eyes. It unraveled another skein of memories that I'd kept buried. Blood red ribbons binding my hands behind my back, one across my eyes, a third around my throat as a leash. Half-naked. Starving. Maria leading me to another cabin, her soft, pleased voice coaxing as she told me of his offer. An alliance against a common enemy, an alliance she needed. He'd only asked for one thing, excited by the idea of mastering her best warrior. She'd given it willingly. Promised me if I didn't resist, if I was submissive, that I'd be well rewarded. Promised retribution if I wasn't, in terms so horrifying that I was trembling by the time we reached his tent. Surrounded by newborns loyal to Maria and taught to hate me, I had no way to escape.

I was very, very obedient as I was taken down into another level of hell. My gift betrayed me. My feeble attempt to calm him failed, as did my equally feeble attempt to barricade myself away from his sickness. Like an infection, it overwhelmed me until I wanted what he wanted. When it was over, I hated myself as much as I hated him. It wasn't the last time Maria used me like that, until there wasn't anything about my existence that I didn't loathe. Especially myself.

More memories I wished I could destroy.

"Jasper?"

Emmett's voice called me back to the present. Couldn't keep from growling at the idea of letting him touch me like that. A shockwave of surprise, of disappointment hit me; strong enough to stop me from wanting to tear his head clean off.

"Wow, you really don't like the idea of wrestling at all, do you? Guess Carlisle was right." His voice sad, he added, "Got it. No touching the empath."

"Wrestling? This is about _wrestling_?"

"Yeah. What else?"

His innocent confusion washed over me. Incredible. Laughter forced its way out and I bent over, my arms around my ribs as I howled at the contrast between our worlds.

-------

_Carlisle Cullen_

Jasper had fled. Edward caught Alice before she made it to the door.

"Let me go!"

"He doesn't want you to follow him," Edward said. "Look for yourself."

I didn't understand what Alice saw, but she slumped after a moment. Edward led her back to the loveseat.

"What did you see? Tell me!" Alice demanded.

"He doesn't want you to know."

"You're planning on telling Carlisle, aren't you? I'll find out then anyway."

"No you won't. Not if you know it'll hurt Jasper to have you know about it."

Alice closed her eyes, her face taut with anguish. "How can I help him if I don't know?"

"She has a point, Edward," I said. "Secrets between mates are corrosive."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose. A sign of frustration. "I can't, Alice. Really. It's going to be hard enough to tell Carlisle."

"But-"

He held up a hand. "If Carlisle decides to tell you, that's fine."

Alice looked at me.

"I'll make a decision after I hear Edward out," I answered her unspoken question. "I can't promise anything else."

Reluctance obvious in her dragging steps, Alice left us alone. The door shut behind her.

"Edward. If it's that bad, perhaps we should leave so that no one accidentally overhears."

"Good idea."

After a quick farewell to Esme, we ran for the woods north of our home, away from Jasper's scent. When we were far enough away, we stopped in a small depression. Out of ingrained habit, we sat down. I sat on a log facing Edward, wanting to watch his face as he spoke.

"I wasn't lying when I said it'd be hard to tell you," Edward said. "I've walked the minds of a thousand different monsters. Maria is one of the worst. She knew what Jasper was, had to know sensitive his gift must be. For her to brutalize him the way she did-" Edward broke off, shook his head.

I waited, seeing the distress in Edward's face. He gave a twisted smile. "Jasper's memory of this was so strong that just seeing it made me sick. Can't imagine what it was like to live through it."

Edward told me then. All of it.

It was so much worse than I could ever have imagined. Pity swamped me. The stories I'd heard about the covens involved in the wars down South had been bad. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at their hearing of their true viciousness. Most of them lived short, brutal lives. Constantly at war, constantly competing over food, their coven leaders had no interest in morals, or in restraint, only in exerting their power. What was surprising was that Jasper had managed to survive, mind intact.

"Why did he stay with her, Carlisle?" Edward asked. "He could have found some way to run from her long before he finally did."

"I've seen it before. In people trapped in abusive relationships. Their abusers convince them that it's their fault, that they deserve it somehow. They wear them down; break their spirit until they believe that they don't have any other options. That they're not worthy of a better life."

Edward mulled it over. "When she buried him alive, Maria must have guessed what it would do to him. It wasn't the pain or the hunger that broke him. It was the isolation."

That confused me. Most vampires were solitary creatures. "Because of his ability? Would have thought it'd have been a relief. Not to be forced to feel everyone's emotions."

Edward shook his head. "From what I've picked up since Jasper's been here, emotions are like the air to him." He waved his hand, discarding the idea. "No, it's more like losing his hearing, or sight or sense of smell. Like not being able to feel when you touch something. He's bereft without it."

I tried to imagine being Jasper. Having another sense that I relied upon as much as I did my sight. I shook my head. I suppose my imagination wasn't strong enough. I looked up at Edward. "What about you? If you lost your gift, would you be bereft?" It was a hard question for me to ask, but I wanted to know. Needed to know. "When you're deep in the woods, with no one around, do you feel better?"

Edward curled up, arms wrapped around his legs, his chin resting on his knees. He was silent for a long time. "I used to think it would be wonderful if I could get rid of it. Kept trying to find some way to tear it out of my brain. Stop being a freak."

Pure pain hit me.

"Guess I'm used to it by now. It feels odd, like there's something wrong, when there are no voices in my head. Still like to be able to turn it off and on though. Besides, it makes me useful to the family, right?"

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea that you felt that way. You know it's not true. There are many other gifted vampires."

A flash of a half-hearted smile. "Sure."

"I'm proud of the man you've become. Just wish that I could find a way to make your life easier." _That you could find someone to share your life._

A shrug. He changed the subject. "What are you going to do about Jasper?"

"What was he thinking when he left? Any thoughts that seemed like a plan?"

"No."

"You're not telling me something." I'd known him long enough to see that on his face.

"I can't believe I thought it was funny that Jasper was afraid of you."

The non sequitur left me confused for a moment, but I understood his point. "It explains a lot of his behavior, doesn't it? You told us Jasper thought that I was pretending to be kind, but I couldn't really believe that he'd believe that. Now I can appreciate why he appeared so wary, so nervous around me. He must have thought I'd be exactly like Maria."

Edward nodded. "Think it helps explain what happened earlier. Jasper was reacting to your emotions. I don't know what it was, but it must have triggered a memory of the same reaction by Maria. Whatever it was, it made all his instincts go red. It was so strong I could feel them pushing at him. Made him want to attack you before you did something first. He knew it'd mean that I'd attack _him_. I saw a flash of Alice's face then. For some reason that made him stop. He yelled at me not to tell her what I'd seen. Then he was gone."

"After what Maria did to him, it's hard to believe that Jasper would join another coven. Even if we did tell him it was a family."

"He puts Alice's needs above his own." Edward winced.

"What is it?"

"I was remembering another flash of Jasper's memory," Edward swallowed, ran a hand through his hair. "Pretty bad one. The bones she used on him. They kept moving. All the time he was trapped there."

"Dear God. It must have been terrifying." I shook my head. I was amazed again, that he'd survived everything that had been done to him. "Makes me wonder how everything that was done to him has affected him. No one could escape that kind of abuse unscathed."

"You think he's more dangerous than we thought?"

"Yes. At least as dangerous as you are."

His eyes narrowed flared at the unwelcome reminder of how powerful his gift and his speed made him. _I'm sorry, Edward, but you know it's true. At least you keep your temper under control_. I couldn't help smiling as I amended, thinking of Rosalie, _at least most of the time_.

"What are you going to do?"

"Off hand? I don't know. I'm going to have to think about it. Find some way to convince Jasper that it's safe to come back. That no one will hurt him. That he doesn't have to hurt any of us to be safe."

Edward's head jerked up in surprise. "He was going to kill you and you want him back? Because of his gift?"

"No, Edward. Because Jasper deserves another chance. The situation was more my fault than his. I should have spent more time with him, try to understand him instead of leaving him to get by without any real help. Maybe I would have learned about his gift sooner, in a situation that made him feel less threatened. Then this would never have happened."

"But how can you trust him?"

"Because of what he didn't do. He _didn't _attack me when all of his instincts told him it was the right thing to do." Another thought occurred to me. "Or is this personal? You don't want him back?"

A slight flinch. Edward gave an aggravated sigh as he admitted. "He doesn't like me. Thinks that all I do is spy on everyone for you. Not sure that he'll ever trust me. I'm not sure he'll ever be able to think of himself as a brother to me, or to Emmett."

"It will take time for him to get to know you. Understand what kind of men you and Emmett are. I'm hopeful he'll want to belong with us then. Someday. " I stood up. "We should get back."

"Are you going to tell Alice?"

"I don't know. It seems cruel. What do you think?"

"She seems so fragile. I want to protect her too." Edward stopped. "On the other hand, maybe it's wrong not to tell her. I think she's the only person who can really help Jasper."

"Or do you mean control him?" I touched his shoulder lightly as he winced again. "It's all right, Edward. I'm ashamed to say that I was thinking the same thing."

We returned to the house in silence.

Alice was waiting at the back door. I had no idea what to say to her.

This long night wasn't over yet.


	7. Pathways

**Becoming A Cullen**

[_I'm sure all the other fan writers out there will agree that reviews are one of the main reasons to keep writing, so thank you, thank you for the reviews! I really appreciate them. Of course, as always, the characters belong to the fab Ms. Meyers. This chapter is short, but dang, it takes me so long to write that I thought I might as well post what I've done so far _-- _Kelli]_

**Chapter 7. Pathways**

_Carlisle Cullen_

Alice was so tiny, so frail looking, standing there alone on the back porch. Although she had been with us such as short time I knew better than to think there was anything childlike about the mind behind her face. I refused to repeat what Edward had told me, but it would be wrong to tell her nothing. "I won't go into details," I said. "I'm so sorry, Alice, but it appears that Marie used her position as Jasper's maker and coven leader to severely abuse him."

"Tortured him," Edward was more blunt.

"Oh, no. No!"

_Edward_, I scolded him.

He turned to me, "As you pointed out, she needs to know. Sugar-coating it won't help."

"Why didn't he ever tell me?"

I exchanged a glance with Edward.

He shrugged. "Why would he?"

Alice's eyes widened in hurt.

I've rarely felt more impatient with my son. _Don't be unkind!_

Ignoring me, Edward tapped his temple, then said, "Alice, I know _exactly_ what Jasper thinks of you. He'd gnaw off his own arm before he'd do anything to hurt you. He knows what talking about the horrors of his past would do to you."

"It explains something though," Alice hung her head. "Why I keep seeing him doing things I don't understand."

Edward put a hand on her arm. They stared at each other. He said, "Show me."

The way their gifts meshed was remarkable. I quelled my impatience, waiting for their silent communication to end. Alice gave another moan, then threw her arms around Edward. He leaned down and hugged her. "I'm sorry, Alice."

Alice tore herself out of Edward's arms and disappeared into the house.

"What is it? What did she see?"

Edward glanced back at the house. He lowered his voice until it was barely discernable. "Jasper. He's afraid to come back. I wouldn't tell her, but I know he's ashamed of what was done to him, ashamed to tell her. Alice sees him leaving her here. She knows it's because he thinks it's better for her. Alice's visions." Edward swallowed, shook his head. "He doesn't do well alone. Alice doesn't see herself doing much better. She's decided to leave with him."

"No." My protest was involuntary.

"I feel the same way. It's not right that Maria continues to ruin Jasper's life. He deserves better."

"It sounds like you've changed your mind about him."

"While Alice was seeing the future, I kept getting flashes of their past together. Of her visions of Jasper before she found him." Edward hesitated, then said, "He's not the man I thought he was."

I knew what he meant. "Jasper's scars do give you one impression of him, don't they?"

"Thought he liked to fight. Liked to kill. That he sought it out." Edward turned to go into the house. "Alice showed me that since he left Maria, Jasper's only been willing to fight to protect her."

"A peaceable warrior."

"Yes."

-------

_Emmett Cullen_

The thing is, I don't know Jasper. Him and Alice have only be with us a couple of weeks. Alice is so bubbly, excited about everything. She's easy to talk to. He's so quiet. The only time he talked to me was when we went hunting together that one time. He never seems to relax when we're home. When he finally agreed to play checkers with me, I beat him easy like ten times in a row. I'm good, but not that good. I know it's because he was distracted. Anytime anyone walked by, anytime anyone spoke, Jasper tensed. His eyes would dart around as if he were afraid that he might be attacked. Not, not afraid, more like he was _expecting_ to be attacked. Weird.

That's what he's like though. Acting like he didn't quite trust us. It was worse when Alice was around the rest of us. He acted like he was her bodyguard and they were in hostile territory. Carlisle said we should cut him some slack because Jasper was brought over during the blood wars down South. Didn't know anything but fighting for most of his life. So he's like a World War II veteran with twitchy nerves. And having his mate in a place that Jasper wasn't sure about made it worse for him.

What I wanted was to ask him about the battles he's been in. How he won all those fights. Have him show me some moves. I mean, you can't ignore all those scars and what they mean. Carlisle won't let me. Says I should wait and let Jasper bring it up, if he wants to.

Then a couple of days ago, Jasper left. Didn't even say goodbye. The strange part was that he'd left Alice behind. I've never heard of that happening before. Mated couples just don't break up. Carlisle just looked sad when I asked about it. He told Rose and me not to ask Alice about it. All Rose and I know is that the Carlisle had a meeting about Jasper and Edward coming to the school, then Jasper got upset and took off.

Late last night, Carlisle called a family meeting and I got voted to go talk to Jasper. I was kind of eager to. Thought maybe I could creep up behind him, test out his reflexes. See his moves first hand.

"It'd upset Jasper if you make him hurt you, Emmett," Alice had said. "Please don't try to sneak up on him."

It annoyed me to hear Alice say that, like I couldn't hold my own against Jasper. Then Carlisle gave me a look. I've seen that look _way_ too many times. Like I was being an idiot. To top it off Edward glared at me. Then Rose whacked me. "Fine. Fine! I won't try to sneak up on him! Geez!"

Then Carlisle handed me a satchel and told me to come back after I gave it to Jasper. He repeated three times that I wasn't to try to force Jasper to come back with me. I was to say hello, pass on Carlisle's message, ask him if there was anything I could do for him, give him the bag and come home. Period.

So here I am. On some empty beach. Waiting while Jasper waded toward me. At least he was easy to track down. And geez, he's a moody little bastard. Worse than Edward. Didn't appreciate my little joke about him being on a boat. Not sure he has any sense of humor at all. Come to think of it, I never have seen him crack more than a polite smile.

When Jasper reached me, he looked, well, bad. He stood in front of me like he was a robot. No expression. No nothing. Like he was empty. I had to ask him to look at me. His black eyes met mine for an instance and then dropped back down to the sand.

On the spur of the moment I asked him to go hunting with me. Not exactly on Carlisle's instruction list, but it felt wrong to leave him alone.

Then I had to push it. Asked him about wrestling. His reaction wasn't exactly what I'd expected. First he growled at me, then he started to laugh. Sounded like he was one step away from hysterical. Like I said. He's weird.

He calmed down after a bit. We hunted. All we found were deer, but it was better than going hungry. Then I was going to hand him the bag with Carlisle's stuff, but then I looked at him. Head to toe. Couldn't help thinking about what Alice would feel if she could see her mate look like this. His clothes and hair were encrusted with salt. No shoes. Clothing ragged around the edges. Worse than most nomads we've run into.

"Jasper, I don't know what you're gonna' do next, but seriously, man, you gotta' do something about your clothes." I shook my head. "No offense, but you look like a bum. That attracts attention from human authorities. Not good."

He shrugged.

I handed him the bag. Again, I overstepped the bounds Carlisle set and said. "After you read this, maybe we could get you cleaned up, get you some new clothes."

"I don't have any money."

I waved a wad of cash under his nose. "Not a problem."

"Carlisle's money?"

Not sure why that mattered. "Carlisle gave Rosie and me a chunk of money when we got married the first time. Rosie manages it for us."

He gave me another one of those looks, like he was hearing something he didn't quite understand. "Is this what Carlisle wants?"

At this point, I realized that I had no idea what the hell he was thinking. "Carlisle told me to give this to you." I handed him the satchel. "Then I was supposed to leave."

He clutched the bag. He was looking at me now. "You're trying to help me? Why?"

"You're family."

His reaction. Geez. It was like I'd hit him. He actually jerked back a step. Stared at me.

"You mean it."

His voice was weird. A tone in it that I didn't understand.

Then Jasper smiled at me.

Like maybe we were friends. Like maybe we could be brothers after all.


	8. Stories and a Confession

**Becoming a Cullen **

[_I appreciate each and every review, so thank you for taking the time. As always, the Twilight characters belong to Ms. Meyers. -- One of the things that intrigues me about Jasper is __**why**__ it's so hard for him to develop control. Blaming Maria seems logical because she was such a huge influence on Jasper for so long; at least 80 years (notes on this calculation are below.) It seems odd that Jasper's been attempting to stick with the Cullen's "vegetarian diet" for about 50 years but his control remains so brittle. Yet at the same time, he's a disciplined warrior. It's such an odd contrast. That's what originated this story, thinking about what Maria must have done to Jasper to make this divergence in his character. Not that this story is the right answer! Just an idea that was interesting for me to write. -- Please review! Thanks, _Kelli_]_

**Chapter Eight. Stories and a Confession**

_Emmett Cullen_

Carlisle had told us last night that Jasper's gift of empathy was so strong that he could pick up people's emotions even when he wasn't touching them. Guess that's why he believed me. Think this was the first time I'd ever seen Jasper smile as if he meant it. Made me glad I'd offered to help him. Made me think that his coven musta' been a bunch a real bastards if the notion that I wanted to help him came as such a shock. Did kind of' explain a lot of the way he behaved back at the house though. "You want to read that now or go get cleaned up?"

He was so cautious. I could practically see him thinking it over. "Get cleaned up how?"

Hadn't actually thought that far ahead. "Let's see. Downtown has a bunch of stores. We can buy you some clothes, some shoes. Then get a hotel room where you can clean up. Yeah, that should work."

"I can't go into a store." He gave me one of his special smiles that wasn't really a smile at all. "I'm not safe right now."

I was about to protest that he'd just eaten, that he couldn't be hungry, when something in his face told me not to argue. I shrugged. "Fine. How about we find a hotel and I'll leave you there while I buy you clothes. Since it's not tourist season, there shouldn't be a lot of temptation walking around."

Jasper tilted his head, considering it. Then he nodded.

Since he was looked at me expectantly, I led the way into town. While I wasn't too familiar with the area, it wasn't hard to find a motel on the outskirts. Jasper waited outside while I got a room.

Now two men checking into a room together is something that tends to stick in people's memories. I'd been thinking about what story to use. The older woman was giving me the freeze face. I leaned over the desk and said, "Ma'am, I need some help. My brother-in-law fell out of our fishing boat. I dragged him in, and then the idiot fell out again. Lost his shoes. My sister will never let us go fishing again if I bring him back looking like this."

"Drunk?"

"Not anymore."

"What do you want from me?"

"I just want to rent a room so he can take a shower. I'm gonna' go buy him some new clothes. Then he can change and we can head back."

"You'll have to pay for the whole day."

I whipped out my wallet. "Sure."

Her face softened just the slightest. "You know where to go?"

"Shopping? Uh, not really, ma'am."

"My daughter could buy the clothes for him. Wouldn't cost you much extra."

I didn't have to fake my relief. "Ma'am, that'd be a huge help. I'd be happy to hire her."

She had me sign in, and gave me a room key. She told me to wait. She came back in a couple of minutes with a younger woman in tow. "This is Emily. I told her what you need."

Emily gave me an admiring look, and then got down to business. "Mom said your brother-in-law needs clothes and shoes too. Does he know what sizes he needs?"

"I doubt it."

She looked out the window, sizing Jasper up. She shrugged. "Have him give me his shirt and pants and I can match the sizes. Mom, what about the shoes?"

They had a moment's consultation. The mother burrowed through her desk and came back with a writing pad. She held it out to me along with a pencil. "Have him step on this and draw a line around his foot. Emily can buy him some moccasins. They won't hurt his feet."

"Great idea. Thanks." I handed Emily a hundred dollar in twenties. "Will this be enough?"

Her eyes went wide. Then she grinned up at me. "You must not do much shopping. Should cost about thirty-five dollars or so for a nice wool suit and everything."

"Great. Thanks so much."

I left them and went out to Jasper. I knew he'd have heard everything. Held up the room key and he followed me to the room. I handed him the paper and pencil. "I'll wait out here. Just toss me your shirt and pants."

The door opened a crack and he thrust the clothes and the pad at me. I brought them into the office. Emily took the clothes with a wrinkled nose. I went back to Jasper's room and propped the door wide open. Didn't want the motel folks to get the wrong idea. The water was running, so I sat down in the room's single chair. Nothing to do in the room except wait.

The water turned off. I perked up. Maybe it was wrong, but I wanted to see the rest of his scars. Carlisle said I wasn't supposed to ask about them or tease him about them. Like I would! Geez, sometimes the rest of the family treats me as if I'm an idiot.

Jasper didn't come out. He knew I was out here of course. I could hear him open the satchel. Wonder what was in there.

_Jasper Whitlock_

I dried my hands off carefully. Wrapped a towel around my waist and sat down beside the tub. The satchel had two letters and a thick sheaf of papers bound together. Alice's scent lingered on one envelope. My name in her scrawl across the front. I pressed it to my lips. A ridiculous, sentimental gesture, but I didn't care.

_My Love,_

_W__hither thou goest, I will go._

_Alice_

Short and direct. Broke my heart. I folded it back up and tucked it away. Didn't want to open Carlisle's letter. Not much sense in putting it off though.

_Jasper,_

_Is it possible that you can forgive me for my many failures in not helping you feel comfortable as a member of our family? Despite seeing see how difficult you found some aspects of our lives, I let you find your own way. Please blame my lack of action on my inexperience on how to help integrate two adults, with their own histories, into our admittedly difficult world. The restrictions and rules that we live bind us all equally, including me, but they do become easier to live with over time. I have every confidence that you will find this out yourself, when you find your way back to us._

_On to a more difficult topic. While what was done to you by Maria can't be undone, I'm confident that you'll find a way to continue to heal from it. While it may be very difficult to read the material in the enclosed package, it is my hope that this knowledge will aid you in your recovery. If my skills are not sufficient to assist you, I will do my utmost to find someone who can. Someone you can talk to in confidence. _

_Please know that you are very welcome to return._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Carlisle_

Not what I'd expected. No threats. No warnings. An apology for _his_ failures. An offer of help. It hurt to read what he said about Maria. Maybe hurt worse 'cause I knew it was true, that what Maria had done had shaped me forever. With a deeper reluctance, I riffled through the papers he'd sent me. A few phrases leapt out, burned their way into my mind.

'… _emotionally bonding with an abuser is a victim's survival strategy… sexual abuse results in harmful physical, emotional and social changes … victims come to believe that their abuser cares for them… abusers often convince a victim that the abuse is their own fault… Abusers isolate their victim, crushing their self-esteem and robbing them of their identity…"_

I shoved the papers back into the satchel, unable to read anymore. Was breathing too hard, too fast. My hands were shaking. Horror and shame that Carlisle knew so much was another blow. Broken glass shredded my insides. The emotions bled out and I let them.

"Damn. What hurt you? " Emmett asked. Carlisle must have told him about my ability. He'd understood immediately why he felt my wave of pain.

"Nothing. Sorry." His curiosity spiked through me.

"Jasper, does it feel like that for you for all the time?"

"Not since Alice found me."

"Are they dead?"

"Huh?"

"The people who made you feel like this."

"No. Maria's not dead." I stuttered when I said her name. Embarrassing. Guess the unearthed memories were too close, too raw.

"Where is she?" Emmett's voice was a growl.

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm planning to hunt her down and tear her head off. Nobody hurts my little brother."

Pure shock hit me. Emmett's emotion was like a river of rage pouring over me. I could feel a smile curve my lips. He meant it. Used to soothing angry upset vampires, it was automatic to calm him. Then annoyance struck me. "Anyway, I ain't your little brother."

"Why not?"

"I'm three times your age!"

"Maybe, but I look older than you do," Emmett's voice was smug. "Hey, but since both of us older than Edward, we can both call him our _baby_ brother."

"He won't like that."

"Oh, yeah, I know."

Emmett's chuckle was infectious. He made me feel better without even trying. It was risky, it was hard, but I took a chance. "Can I ask you about Carlisle?"

"Wait. What about Maria?"

"I don't want to talk about her."

Emmett sighed. "Fine. What do you wanna' know about Carlisle?"

"He ever gets mad at you? Really mad?" Couldn't come right out and ask if Carlisle had ever hurt him.

Emmett laughed. "Oh yeah."

"What happened?"

"Rose and I kind of demolished a house we were living in. Kind of over-excited and not minding things so much. Too be honest, it wasn't the first time. Esme was upset. That made Carlisle upset. Man, I hate thinking about it."

Couldn't help the pulse of something close to fear that throbbed through me. I licked my lips and pressed for details. "What did he do to you?"

"Lectured us for hours. Man can he talk. Made me feel lower than an earthworm. Would've liked it better if he'd hit me."

_No, you wouldn't have_. "That's it? He talked at you?"

"No. Then he kicked us out."

Deliberately unclenched my hands, made myself calm down. That's a severe punishment. So damn dangerous. A couple of lone vampires… Wait. That was true down South. Where if you weren't part of a coven, you were the enemy and prey. Wandering vampires don't usually last long down there. As I'd found out, the North was safer.

"Where did you go?"

"Rosie and I went on a cruise to San Francisco. It stopped every couple of days so we could feed when we needed to. We bought a house up in San Louis Obispo, lived there for a couple of years."

They'd bought a house? I remembered that he'd said that Carlisle had given them money. Emmett's emotional tone was wistful. "You liked it there."

"Yeah. It got lonely quick for both us of though. Even missed Edward after awhile."

"How did you get Carlisle to take you back?"

"Huh? Oh, we stayed in touch. They moved to Ohio and we decided to join them there."

"He let you? Just like that?"

"Yeah. Well, they missed us too." Emmett laughed. "Course, after a couple of decades, Rose and me got careless again. So we've left and come back a couple of times."

Emmett's emotional tone remained even. No trauma, no shame. Nothing negative. It was like he was recounting an amusing story. "What about Edward? Has Carlisle every kicked him out?"

"No. Course he did have his rebellious streak. That was before Rose and I joined them though."

"Rebellious streak? What did he do?"

"Decided he was sick of Carlisle's no eating people rule and took off."

"_Edward_?"

"Oh, it gets better. Being Edward, he couldn't just go and act like any _ordinary_ vampire." Emmett snickered. "He decided that he'd only kill bad people. Like murderers and rapists."

I had to think about it for a minute. "His gift. He could find out if they were guilty."

"Right." Emmett continued, "Then he got sick of it. Went back to Carlisle. Said it didn't change how it felt to kill people. It still made him a monster, even if he only killed other monsters."

"Why did Carlisle do when Edward asked to come back?" Edward had deliberately and flagrantly disobeyed Carlisle's most basic rule. Carlisle must have done something to punish him.

"Well, I wasn't there, but Edward said Carlisle forgave him as soon as he came back."

"Just like that? No punishment?"

"Punishment? What could Carlisle do to him?"

The shock of his answer froze me in place for a long moment. Couldn't even breathe. Emmett's innocent reply was so telling. He had no idea what a coven leader could do. I was fiercely glad that no one had ever hurt Emmett the way I had been hurt.

After a long moment, Emmett asked. "You okay in there?"

Had to force myself to take a breath and answer. "Yeah. I'm okay. If it's okay, I don't want to talk anymore right now." I needed to think about what he'd told me.

The clothes came after a while. Emmett handed them to me through a crack in the door. Dark pants, blue shirt, a jacket, leather shoes. Seemed to fit okay.

Emmett gave me a look from head to toe. "Okay, now you look decent. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

I shook my head.

"I'm going to take off." He held out his hand, then jerked it back. "Damn, forget again."

I held out my hand. "Thank you for everything."

He looked down at my hand. Then he shook my hand as if I were made out of glass. "Take care."

I could feel his curiosity burning a path behind him. I'm glad he hadn't asked me what I'd planned to do. I wasn't sure, hadn't made a decision. Not yet. To do that, I needed to see Alice, even if it were for one last time.

Time to leave.

------------

Alice was waiting for me a half a dozen miles out from the Cullen's house. I stood far enough away where I wouldn't be tempted to touch her. Such a deep sadness poured from her. Made me feel like claws were tearing at my insides. I'd hurt her. Again. Maybe this time she'd realize that her visions had been wrong, that she belonged with someone else. Someone clean. Someone undamaged. As shamed as I was, I couldn't keep my eyes off her face. I might never see her again.

From her expression, the wave of pain as she gazed at me, I knew what had happened. I couldn't keep the hate from my voice. "Edward told you."

"No. Carlisle did after I begged him to. He wouldn't tell me anything specific, just that Maria had done terrible things to you." Alice's voice dropped to a whisper. "Can you forgive me?"

Shock held me silent for a moment. I had no idea what she meant. "For what?"

"For insisting on bringing you here," She pressed her hands to her face. "I had no idea what I was asking from you. I never saw Carlisle as being a coven leader, just as a father. I was selfish, wanted it so badly that it twisted my visions. I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am."

What an accomplishment. I'd hurt Alice _and_ made her doubt her gift. She stepped toward me. She froze as I backed up.

"You don't know the rest of it." I couldn't bear to look at her now. "All these years, I've kept it from you. Afraid that if I told you, you'd be disgusted with me. Leave me. I'm afraid now that you'll hate me for hiding what I really am from you."

"That will never happen."

I held up a hand, warding her back. I hadn't planned to tell her. It was too terrible. How would she ever bear to touch me again? My eyes on the ground, I swallowed. Then I told her the ugly truth. She deserved to know. "I was Maria's whore. She passed me around. As payment. Or to punish me. Or to punish the others. Sometimes she did it just because it gave her pleasure to see that I belonged to her so completely." I forced myself to add the worst of it. Admitting my cowardice. "I never fought back."

She moaned.

Shattering pain split me. Shredded my heart. I turned away. Not knowing where to go, but knowing I needed to get out of her sight.

"Don't you dare leave me!"

I spun around. "It was never right. Me being with you. You deserve better."

Her sadness had turned to grief. Then out of nowhere, a flash of hate hit me. Her small hands clenched into fists. "_I hate her. I want her dead for hurting you. For making you afraid to trust me!_"

My tiny, fierce love. She marched over to me, eyes fixed on mine. "Once you left that bitch, did you ever do any of those things again? Did you ever make another newborn?"

"No."

"Kill other vampires over territory?"

"No."

"Let someone sell you? Sell yourself?"

"_No!_"

"The Jasper who was forced to do those things stopped existing decades ago. Ever since you left Maria, you've tried to find a less savage way to live. Jasper, you could have been just like her. You could have used your gift in horrible ways. You're strong enough to do to other vampires what was done to you. Why didn't you?"

I stared down at her determined expression. She was asking questions I'd never asked myself. "I don't know. Guess I hated what she done that to me so much that I never wanted to hurt anyone else that way."

"You made a choice. A deliberate choice to not become another creature like Maria." She reached up to grab my shirt collar, tried to shake me. "Not matter what happened to you in the past, the Jasper I fell in love with is the one who keeps trying to be a better man."

"It doesn't change what I was, what I've done."

"You're not listening. It doesn't matter to me." Now both hands were on my shirt. "Anyway, you can't leave me. You can't. I need you too much. Love you too much."

I groaned. Let her pull my head down. She kissed me. With as much passion as she ever had. It seemed unbelievable that Alice knew what I was and still wanted me. I stopped resisting her love, her desire. Gave into my own need for her. Reached out and Alice was in my arms. The feel of her skin, the taste of her mouth, her luscious scent filled my head. My entire world was here, shaped by her love. I let happiness fill me, spill over until Alice could feel it. After a long time, we let each other go.

"We don't have to go back," Alice said. "Carlisle knows that we're leaving."

Looking past her, I saw the two knapsacks she'd left near the tree. As her note had said, she was planning on leaving with me. Willing to give up her life-long dream for me. "Where would we go, Alice?"

She shook her head. Tried to smile.

Alice couldn't answer. I knew why. Because if we left Carlisle's coven, no his _family_, then it wouldn't matter where we went.

"Thank you." The words couldn't express my feelings, so I let my gratitude and love flow to her. Clinging to her hand, I picked up and slung our bags over my shoulder. "Let's get started."

Alice fell in beside me, her happiness fading as my influence left her. It wasn't long before she stopped short, pulling against my hand. "We're going the wrong way. This leads back to the Cullens."

"Yes." Alice wasn't using her gift or she would have known. I understood why. She hadn't wanted to know.

"Jasper. Don't. I can't bear seeing you hurting."

"You know Carlisle sent Emmett after me."

Alice nodded.

"Did you _see_ what he told me?"

Another nod.

"I believed him." I lifted her hand to kiss it. "Ah'm sorry I couldn't believe your visions. Thought there had to be holes in 'em cause they went against everything I knew about a coven leader. It didn't make sense that Carlisle could hold so many vampires together without some way to make them bend to him. Can you forgive me for doubting you?"

"Yes." Alice, eyes glowing, put her hands on my chest. "Are you sure?"

A kiss to seal my promise. "Yes."

Alice's feet barely touched the ground as we went back.

Sure now that Carlisle wasn't lying to me, it felt safe for me to go back. It wasn't going to be easy, but I was going to do it.

No matter what it took, I was going to remake myself into a Cullen.

-----------------------

_Notes on timeline. Jasper is the second oldest vampire in the Cullen family, at least 160 years old as of 2003 (including his 20 years as a human). This is based on the following: In "Eclipse", Jasper says Maria turned him shortly after the battle of Galveston, which occurred on 1 January 1863. "Midnight Sun" states that Maria turned Peter in the nineteen forties, so Jasper had been with Maria 77 years (1940 – 1863= 77) .We know that Peter survived his first year as a newborn. Peter and Jasper became friends and worked together for some unspecified period. Then Peter ran away from Maria with Charlotte and came back five years later to get Jasper. All that adds up to at least an absolute minimum of six years, though likely more, meaning that the minimum date for Jasper to leave Maria would be 1946. That means Jasper was with Maria from approximately 1863 until 1946, a total of at least 83 years. Jasper stayed with Peter and Charlotte for some undetermined period, maybe as long as a year, maybe less, and then he wandered alone for another undetermined amount of time until Alice found him, when 1947. Later? Earlier? Who knows? Then he and Alice wandered together until they joined the Cullens in 1953. Am guessing that Alice taught him about the Cullen's diet when they met and he's tried to stick to is since then. In any case, this means Jasper has been attempting to stick with their "vegetarian diet" for about 50 odd years. Seems like a long time_


	9. Travelers

**Becoming a Cullen**

[_I do so much appreciate each review. Thank you so much! As always, many thanks to Ms. Meyers for allowing us to play in her world. If you enjoy, please do review! -- Thanks,_ _Kelli]_

**Chapter 9. Travelers**

_Jasper Whitlock_

Alice and I were getting closer to the Cullen's home now. Their scent lingered in the forest, making it easier to find our way back.

Alice gasped. The sound was familiar to me now. A warning that one of her stronger visions was overwhelming her. My arm slid around her waist, steadying her. "What is it?"

"Esme. Oh, no," Alice moaned. "They're in the house. They're hurting her."

The words roused rage inside me. My mind, with its ability to travel several paths wondered at my reaction even while I asked, "Who, Alice?"

"Nomads. Three males."

"When will it happen?"

"It's too late." Alice grabbed my arm as I prepared to run. "We can't get there in time."

_Damn it_. "Where are the rest of the Cullens?"

Alice's eyes closed. "School. Carlisle's in an operating room."

"Emmett?" He'd left before me. If we could find Emmett before he got to the house, it'd help even the odds.

"I see him. Houses on both sides of the street." Alice opened her eyes. "He's walking at a human pace. He must be going to the school."

Forget Emmett. It was up to us. I needed to know the intruders' goals. "What are they after, Alice?"

"Everything the Cullens have," Alice said.

I shook my head. It didn't make much sense. Carlisle hadn't staked out a territory claiming dominion over the humans in this corner of Maine. Robbery didn't make sense. Nomads can't carry much. Don't have much need for money either. Thinking they could simply step into the Cullen's shoes and take over their lives wasn't sane. No time to figure it out. "Do any of the nomads gifted?"

"I don't know." Then Alice moaned again. Heartrending pain, Alice's pain, shot through me. Another vision. Her voice was frantic as she told me what she was seeing. "They use Esme against Carlisle when he comes home. Now he's dead. Then they kill Esme. Edward hears their minds when they drive home from school. They all run to the house. They fight." Another moan. "Rosalie's torn to pieces, then-." Alice stopped talking, throwing herself against me. "Jasper, please. We've got to stop them."

"We can try." I had no doubt of my own abilities. Yet racing into the house and attacking three strange vampires whose fighting skills and potential gifts were unknown was foolish. No matter how fast I was, no matter how well I fought, at the very least, Esme would die. We needed a plan. "They're going to stay inside the house, waiting for Carlisle, right?"

"Yes."

I nodded. The elements of warfare are simple, eternal. I knew them well from the texts on warcraft that were the only books Maria had allowed me to read. Had practiced most of the strategies when we were fighting for territory. My mind raced through different scenarios, trying to understand and counter the nomad's strategy. One advantage we had was that they'd limited their options by confining themselves in the house. Gazing at Alice, I had a sudden hope that we had another edge besides her gift. "They must have been watching the Cullens for a while. Know their schedules. Yet there hasn't been any trace of strangers since we've been here. They must have scouted them out some time back. Maybe they missed our arrival. Think they know about us?"

Alice's eyes shut. She frowned. "I don't think so." Then more definitively. "No."

A wave of relief. Now we had real surprise on our side. Unless, of course, any of them had gifts similar to Alice and Edward. I shook my head. Nothing I could do about that. Considered getting help from the Edward and Emmett, but getting to them and extracting them from school without a commotion would take too long. When Carlisle talked about his past, he'd never mentioned a single fight. Dismissed him as more of a liability than as asset. I tore open the knapsacks, looking for inspiration, something we could use against them. A lighter rolled out. Alice and I had lit fires sometimes when we were living outside. Not to keep warm, but to keep back the darkness when the night pressed too close. The ideas came together. Plucking the lighter from the ground, I told my plan to Alice. The world's most peerless intelligence agent warned me of the enemy's likely reactions. Gave us a chance to refine the plan until we were both sure we couldn't improve it any longer.

No guarantee of success, but Esme was suffering _now_. "Alice. Don't take any chances. Please, just follow the plan," I said. I handed her the lighter. My voice was rough with fear. As much as I wanted to help Esme, Alice is my life.

"You don't want me to fight. I can, though."

I shook my head. "My head wants to believe you, but my gut can't take it. Not today. Please, Alice."

She sighed. Nodded.

A kiss. Then we ran forward.

When we got to the house, Alice started a fire in the leaves that Edward and I had so carefully raked into piles just days ago, while I hid in the second one. I kept a peep hole to watch. As soon as thick smoke streamed into the slight breeze rising high into the overcast sky, Alice ran into the woods. A moment went by, then another. As Alice had predicted, one vampire came out, frowning. Tall. Well-muscled. Moved with a certain swagger that told me much about him. His emotional tone was simple annoyance.

He never had a chance. Not even to scream. I burst out of the second life pile to dig my fingers into his throat, tearing out his voice box even as my teeth shredded through the back of his neck. His head in my hands. Hurled it away. Tore off his arms, and then let Alice finish him as I raced toward the house. Downwind was longer, but safer. While I snuck closer, Alice hid the body. Tossing the body onto the fire would immediately alert the others that they were under attack.

My gift allowed me to hone in on the enemy's location. On Esme. She was close to them. Unfortunate. I climbed to the second floor to get in. It wasn't safe to open a window downstairs. No matter how silent, how swift I was the change in air pressure, a chance gust a wind, an increase in volume of the normal outside sounds, any of these changes could have given me away. Upstairs, at the opposite end of the house, I let myself into Edward's room. His room had the most soundproofing. As I expected, his door was closed. I crept down the hallway, right above the stairs, lying flat on the floor to escape any casual glances.

Esme was terrified. In pain. I had to beat back another surge of rage. I focused my gift on the others, reading them. One of them radiated uncertainty, fear. My target. It was hard, but I narrowed in on the weaker one, increasing his fear until his breathing was ragged.

It was all I could do for now. Reaching out, I touched Alice with my gift. Shifting my emotions to one easy for me to summon, I brushed Alice with a surge of love. Reacting to my signal, my tough little wife threw an arm of our downed enemy through the front window.

As soon as it hit the wood floor, it started to crawl forward.

The vampire whose emotions I'd been working screamed. Obvious then that he was unused to fighting our kind. Good. The third vampire's shock turned to rage even without my encouragement. He ran toward the front door, so focused on fighting the enemy outside that he had tunnel vision. He didn't notice me as I flew downstairs as he crossed in front of the staircase. I slammed into him, momentum and surprise working in my favor to knock him off-balance. My arms pinned his as my teeth tore into his neck, severing his spine. Too experienced to keep my entire focus on my current foe, I was up in time to meet the headlong rush of the third vampire. I turned to the side, raised an arm, an easy target for an inexperienced fighter. He took the bait. His teeth in my arm gave me access to his neck as I hugged him to me. His head hit the floor. I let his body drop. The second vampire was beginning to recover. In no shape to put up a real fight, I had him in pieces in under a minute.

Alice raced inside, leaving the door open behind her. She dismembered the third vampire as I began to toss body parts outside into the fire.

It was over.

My gaze and gift checked Esme as I retreated outside. She was against one wall, trembling. Her eyes wide with shock. I knew Esme was conflicted about my being here. Despite her desire to welcome me into her family, despite the motherly love she already felt for Alice, she was afraid of me. What she's seen today wasn't going to make it any easier for her. As gently as I could, I soothed her fear, helped calm her as Alice hugged her.

I went to stand by the fire to make sure nothing got away. Tearing open my sleeve, I attempted to suck out the venom from the latest bite, spitting it out onto the fire. He'd torn me up pretty good. Already hurt like a son of a bitch. It'd get worse before it got better.

Alice was on the phone now, calling Carlisle.

Didn't take Carlisle long to get here. He'd run home, still in his bloody operating clothes, faster than any car could have made it through the streets. He slowed when he saw me.

"Jasper?"

I nodded at him, kept my eyes down, my hands clasped around my back. As unthreatening as I could make myself without kneeling. Moved further away from the door. Couldn't help the instinctive, reflexive switch of my gift from Esme to Carlisle, _needing_ to know his emotional tone, needing to know how he felt about me. It was then I knew I'd accepted Carlisle as my coven leader. Didn't like it. Didn't want to _belong_ to him. As Carlisle went into the house, I retreated further to stand behind the fire, struggling to get my emotions under control.

"Jasper?"

Alice's sweet voice, her presence instantly made me feel better. I wrapped my arms around her, rested my cheek on the top of her soft hair.

"You're trembling," Alice said. "What is it? Your arm? Let me see."

I let her fuss over my wound. Bathed myself in her emotions. Love, affection, worry, pride.

"Maybe Carlisle should look at it."

I sucked in my breath, shook my head violently as my gut tightened. Showing weakness had always angered Maria. "I'll be fine."

Gold eyes looked up at me, bewildered at my reaction. "You got hurt defending his wife. You don't think Carlisle will want to help heal you?"

"Nothing he can do."

She grabbed my other hand, started tugging toward the house. "Come on, Jazz. It'll be fine. I promise."

Pointless to argue with Alice when she was in this mood. As we went up the stairs, I missed my footing as a sudden wave of sick pain hit me. Alice grabbed me before I fell.

"What is it?"

"Esme. Carlisle's hurting her."

"He had to," Alice's voice was grim. "One of those bastards broke some of her fingers, let them heal crooked."

The pain was muted, fading. Poor Esme.

Carlisle was cradling his wife in his arms, her head buried against his neck. His pain and regret at having to hurt Esme stabbed through me. Tried not to wince under the weight of it. Shifted my focus to Alice, trying to use her to shield myself. Helped a little.

"Jasper. Esme and Alice told me what happened." His eyes closed, he shook his head. "I don't know what would have happened without you here. I'll never be able to thank you enough."

His surge of gratitude was overwhelming.

I nodded.

Esme lifted her head and looked up at me. She was trying to smile. "I didn't get a chance to thank you, Jasper. Thank you so much. You were amazing." She held out a hand.

Her gratitude was even more intense than Carlisle's. More amazing to me was that she felt no fear. Not even after seeing the brutal way I'd killed the intruders. Keeping Alice close to me, I stepped forward. Gingerly took her hand, kissed her fingers and retreated backwards.

Wasn't sure what to say. Wanted more than anything to get away from him. Think about things.

_Carlisle Cullen_

It was hard to let Esme out of my sight. Out of my arms. I'd come so close to losing her. Then I'd had to hurt her. Thank God that they hadn't killed her. Thank God for Jasper and Alice. Words couldn't express my emotions. At least I knew he could sense what I felt.

Esme settled back against me after thanking Jasper. He was acting so strange. So skittish. As if he were afraid of me. I couldn't understand why he'd feel this way. He knew by now that I had no secrets. No powerful gift.

"Jasper was bitten on his arm. Would you look at it?" Alice asked me.

"Of course." I moved Esme from my lap to seat her beside me. Her hand slipped under my arm.

He walked toward me, each step more reluctant than the last. He pushed a torn sleeve up to reveal where a chunk of flesh had been torn away near the inside of his elbow. Couldn't help my shock at my first sight of his arm. I'd seen his wrist scars before, but he'd been careful to keep the rest of his arm covered. Couldn't see a single patch of skin wider than a finger that wasn't overlapped with a reminder of a bite. It took me a second to regain my professional distance. I released his arm, knowing he didn't like being touched.

"How soon would this normally take to heal?"

"A day." Then he added, "When I'm not hungry."

A fast healer then. I checked his eyes. The black rim around the gold was deep. I nodded. "I could sew the wound together, but it'd just hurt you more without really making it heal faster. It's too late to wash the venom out. How much does it hurt?"

He shrugged. "Not so bad. I sucked as much venom out as I could."

Alice had the same reaction I did. We both shot him startled glances. "You sucked the venom out? I'd never have thought of that." I shook my head. "Unfortunately, painkillers don't work on us. I'm sorry, Jasper, I can't really do anything medical to help."

He nodded. Unsurprised.

"What I _can_ do is get you a meal."

He stiffened. As if I'd insulted him.

"I k'en hunt."

His accent had slipped out. I had insulted him. "Of course."

"We can go together," Alice offered.

Jasper glanced at her, his face softening. As he started to move away, he looked at me with the oddest expression on his face. A look I didn't know how to interpret. I didn't know if he'd explain, but I took a chance. "What is it?"

"Maria would have rewarded me." Jasper shook his head. "Didn't even occur to you."

"I'm so sorry," I said instantly. He was right, it hadn't occurred to me. "What can I-"

A gesture from Jasper silenced me.

"No. I'm glad." He smiled. "It means you think of me as family."

"Yes, of course." He was right. I hadn't thought of rewards. Guess I had just expected that we'd all protect our family.

His smile faded. Jasper's eyes slipped away from mine. "You know I'm not like the others."

Having no idea what to say to that simple truth, I nodded.

"Not sure if I can do what they do." He swallowed. "Like go to school."

"We have all the time in the world," I said. I felt a surge of relief, of pleasure. The statement, as negative as it sounded, was a declaration of intent. No matter what I felt, Jasper was the one who had to make the decision. Now I knew that he was serious about becoming a full member of our family. I hastened to reassure him. "Don't feel pressured to jump into anything you're not ready for."

"We _will_ go to school together," Alice beamed up at him. "I've seen it."

Some of the tension in Jasper's face eased.

It wasn't exactly how I'd planned to welcome him back. I was intensely curious to know if he'd read the material that I'd sent. It was hardly the time to ask. He was so sensitive. Talking about his past now, fresh from yet another battle, would cause Jasper nothing but pain. I had to wait. Be patient until he was more comfortable with me, had more successes with this new life so that we could deal with his past. I settled for saying, "By the way, welcome back."

A ghost of a smile. Another nod. Then they were gone.

I turned to the love of my long life. My arms reached for her, needing to hold her, know that she was safe. "Esme."


	10. Let's Talk About It

**Becoming a Cullen**

[_Thanks to everyone who left a review. I so appreciate you taking the time to write. As always, a huge thank you to Ms. Meyers for world and letting us play in it. _-- _Kelli]_

_Jasper Whitlock_

It's been such a strange day. Started off alone by the ocean with no future. This afternoon I'm with Alice near a forest pool, with a family.

Alice splashed her way to me from the shallows. She looked like a water sprite, dazzling my eyes as a stray sunbeam bejeweled her skin. Doubts crept in as they always did when I thought about us. Didn't make much sense, her wanting me, accepting me. Harder to believe now after my earlier confession.

Then miracles rarely make sense.

She held out a hand, pleading and mischievous at the same time. I left the comfort of the shadows. Stepped into the sun, nekkid' as a jaybird, as my pa would have said. It had been hard, during our first time together, to let Alice see me. Show her what was hidden under my armor of clothing. Maria had grown to hate the way I looked. She'd thought me flawed. Ugly. Hadn't wanted my scarred hands to touch her perfect skin. Maria had told me once that the scars were a sign of; what was the word she used? Oh, right. _Incompetency_. That if I'd been a better fighter than I wouldn't have let myself get torn up. I hadn't been able to speak for my anger. Over the decades, after our many victories, her rivals had learned enough about us to target me. They hadn't sent one newborn after me, they'd sent a dozen. The scars were a small price to pay for surviving those years.

"Jasper?"

The worried note in her voice made me realize that I'd let some of my old anger escape. "Sorry, honey. Just bad memories."

I smiled down at her. Remembered again that first time with my Alice. I'd expected to feel the same reaction from Alice that I'd felt from Maria. Disgust, rejection, or worse, her pity.

She'd surprised me. No one has ever reacted to me the way Alice did. As if she saw my scars the same way she saw my hair or eyes. Accepted as part of what I am, not something separate to be judged. Incredible. As then, Alice's love and affection touched me, overflowed my heart. My personal miracle wrapped her arms around me. Then she ran gentle fingers down my damaged arm.

"Let me see."

This was the third time she'd checked. I didn't mind. It was kind of nice being fussed over.

"It looks better."

I'd always been a fast healer. Another reason I'd lived long enough for Alice to find me. Skin had already closed the surface over where the chunk of flesh that had been bitten away. The pain wasn't much more than an ache. Besides, Alice was doing a great job of distracting me.

"Would it hurt you to swim with me?" Alice asked.

"No." Couldn't do much more than dog paddle, but she enjoyed darting around, teasing me, then slipping away. She let me catch her finally. That was fun too.

The sun was touching the horizon when we left the pool and got dressed.

"Do you need to feed again?" Alice asked.

I shook my head. I'd drained two elk to help heal me faster.

"Let's go home," Alice said.

_Home_. Not a word I was used to. Yet. "All right."

Alice started back at a run. I'd rather have walked. Can't say I was eager to get there. The others would be home from school by now. I could imagine Emmett's reaction when he heard he'd missed a fight. He'd want to know all the details. Me, I'd seen too much death to glory in it.

"Emmett's going to grab you," Alice warned me as we approached the back of the house. "Not to be mean or anything."

As soon as she finished speaking, Emmett and Edward appeared on the porch. Typical of their natures, Edward was frowning, Emmett grinning. Pre-warned, I chose to stand still as Emmett ran at me at full speed, grabbed me and lifted me off the ground in a hug. Thought it be better to endure his touch than hurt him by avoiding it. His enthusiasm and excitement were more painful than his grip. I gritted my teeth, enduring it.

"Great job, Jasper!"

"_Emmett!_" Edward's voice rang out at the same time.

A flash of guilt, then Emmett released me. "_Dammit_. Sorry. Just glad you were here for Esme."

"No harm done," I said.

Edward joined us. "Carlisle told us what happened. You rescued Esme."

"Killed three nomads. All by yourself." Emmett shook his head. "Wish I'd been here."

Their deep gratitude flowed over me, left me speechless. These past weeks my gift had showed me to their emotional lives, to the connections between each of them, but I hadn't felt anything this strong. Despite the flares of annoyance, or temper, usually from Rosalie, the house had been a place of calm. It had taken a crisis to reveal their real affection, no, their love for the woman who was married to their coven leader. Over eighty years with Maria and I'd never felt the like. Took me a moment to find my voice. "It was Alice." I drew her closer. "She saw what was happening and we came up with a plan. Couldn't have done it without her."

Alice smiled up at me. "Jasper wouldn't let me fight. He's a tad overprotective." She pretended to whack me on my arm. "Someday I'll show him what I can do."

"I don't blame Jasper," Edward said. "I'd have done the same."

Alice stuck her tongue out at him. He grinned back at her.

A flicker of true affection sparked between them. Didn't make me as jealous as it had the first time I'd felt their connection. Guess I was getting resigned to the idea of sharing Alice.

"You've gotta' tell us everything," Emmett said.

It was over. Done. Wasn't interested in retelling it. Yet, I owed him for his kindness this morning. I glanced at the house. Lowered my voice, "Not in Esme's hearing."

"Okay. Let's head out," Emmett said.

I hesitated. "What about Carlisle?" I didn't want to have to talk about this more than once.

"He doesn't want to leave Esme," Edward lifted his chin to gesture to the house. "We'll fill him in later so that you don't have to."

Guess that meant Carlisle had overheard our conversation and 'told' Edward his answer to my question. That Edward had 'heard' my reluctance at having to recount it twice. Having a mind reader around was handy. And maddening.

Edward's mouth twitched. I picked up a flash of resignation, of pain.

"Sorry." I hadn't meant to hurt him.

He shrugged. "Shall we?"

Edward led the way. We ran about twenty miles out to a place where the forest floor was surrounded by tall mounds of earth. Tall pines grew on top of the mounds, shading the hollow until it was like a cave. Alice sank down on a fallen tree trunk, pulling me down with her. Emmett and Edward sat down facing us. More pretending to be human. Didn't much make sense to me when we couldn't smell any humans around.

"We practice being human until we do it without thinking. No matter where we are." Edward shrugged. "Carlisle's idea."

"Oh, thanks." Edward had plucked another question out of my head. I curved an arm around Alice's shoulders. "Alice should start."

Between the two of us, it didn't take long to finish.

They didn't interrupt once, which surprised me. When I was done, Edward asked, "Carlisle said you were hurt."

"A single bite. It's mostly healed already."

"Can we see-"

Edward cut Emmett off. "Don't ask."

Emmett gave his brother an annoyed look. "Fine."

Had to look away, disliking Emmett's curiosity about my scars. Don't know why it bothered me, but it did.

"Alice said you used your gift on one of the nomads. What did you make him feel?" Edward asked.

"Afraid."

I felt contempt touch me. From Emmett. Obvious he didn't think much of my gift. I shrugged. Being alive was all the proof I needed.

"That's right. You weren't there." Edward turned to his brother. "Jasper demonstrated the effectiveness of his empathetic talent to Carlisle and to me. I can personally attest to its value a weapon."

Emmett snorted.

"You should show him, Jasper," Alice said.

Alice was right. We might all have to fight together someday. They needed to know what I was capable of doing. The only thing is that I like Emmett. Didn't want to make him afraid of me.

"You won't." Edward laughed. "He's only afraid of Rosalie when she's mad at him."

"Who, me? What are you talking about?" Emmett's voice was suspicious.

"I'm defending your honor," Edward said. He stuck an elbow in his brother's side. "Jasper's worried about making you afraid of him."

Emmett laughed. "Bring it on, little brother."

I had a feeling for Emmett by now. Knew what emotions lay close to his skin. I needed something that would make an impression, something that would feel stranger to him than anger, or fear, or lust.

It was one of my worst memories. The strength of it fueled my gift as I reached out, focusing solely on Emmett. He wouldn't be familiar with this feeling. Despair. So deep and black that it smothered every thought of hope or joy.

It took a moment for the emotion to seep inside Emmett. His smile slipped away first. Then his shoulders slumped. His head dipped. He rubbed big hands through his hair. Then his head fell onto lap, forehead resting on his crossed arms.

"That's enough, Jasper. You've made your point," Edward said.

Edward would know. I stopped immediately. Now I forced calm on Emmett, knowing his likely reaction would have been anger. He could be mad at me later when Alice wasn't around.

Emmett sat back up. I could see it in his face, feel it. Respect. As Edward had said, it didn't occur to Emmett to be afraid. Maybe it was because he trusted me. Couldn't help feeling pleased at that.

"That was something." Emmett's face scrunched up. "I know I should be mad at you for putting me through that, but I can't. You doing that too?"

I nodded.

"You afraid of me? Is that why you're doing this?"

"Don't want to fight you. Thought I'd give you a chance to get over it." I shrugged. "You did ask me to show you."

Edward nudged Emmett. "You did. Believe it now? Jasper's talent _can_ be a weapon."

"Yeah. I believe it." Emmett added, mumbling. "Another cheater."

"Do you fight with one arm tied behind your back?" I asked.

"Course not."

"Me neither."

No one spoke for a moment.

"I had a question," Edward said. "Do you have to feel the emotion yourself before you can make someone else feel it?"

"No. Makes it easier though."

Alice stood up. "Can't we finish this talk another time? I'm seeing myself flunk math if I don't get my homework done. Let's go back."

Grateful at the interruption, I jumped up and reached for Alice's hand. I'd had enough family time. I was eager for some more time alone with Alice. Even if it was only to watch her doing algebra.


	11. A Gift with Unexpected Consequences

**Becoming a Cullen**

[_As always, I so much appreciate everyone who takes the time to leave a review. Really helps motivate me. Also, as always, many thanks to Ms. Meyer for letting us borrow her world and her fabulous cast of characters. _– _Best wishes,_ _Kelli]_

**Chapter 11. A Gift with Unexpected Consequences**

_Jasper Whitlock_

A gentle mist sifted down from the heavy bank of clouds. Esme, her hair piled up under a brimmed straw hat, was standing beside me in the backyard. Standing beside me and not even thinking about it. It was better than a lack of fear. She trusted me. Felt protected with me near her. Made me uncomfortable and appreciated at the same time. Another big change this morning was watching all of the Cullen 'children' going to school. For the first time no watchdog was left behind. None of them, not even Edward, felt any concerns about leaving me alone with Esme.

Carlisle was at work. I'd felt his reluctance and worry fighting his sense of duty, but with Esme encouraging him, he'd left for the hospital. Wish I understood how he managed to do it. The idea of a vampire doctor was strange enough, but a surgeon? His hands dipped into their helpless bodies as he cut into them. Felt their hot blood flowing, seeing it, smelling it; the idea filled my mouth with venom. How in God's name did he resist? Can't help marveling at his self-control.

Traveling with Peter and Charlotte, I'd learned to tolerate being around humans without giving into my thirst for days at a time. Not the way the Cullens did though. Except for fleeting moments, I couldn't pretend to be human, interact with them. Too damn hard to ignore the temptation, when I ached for their blood, wanting that taste in my mouth, wanting the deep satisfaction that came from feeding. No matter what killing did to me as my gift joined me to my victims as they died, I craved it. Even now, long after Alice had taught me that our kind could live off animals that thirst for human blood dominated me. It was a battle every day to overcome it. She swore it would get easier.

Kept waiting for that day to come.

"Right there."

Esme interrupted my thoughts. Finished poring over her landscape design, she was pointed to a space between two pines. "That's where the Rose of Sharon and the rhododendrons will go. Then we can plant the daffodils and lily-of-the-valley underneath them. I'll start outlining the beds, and then would you start the edging?"

I nodded. Esme was planning to enlarge the flower garden that defined the backyard. She'd asked me if I wanted to help. I didn't mind. Time had never mattered to me once I was changed. Since Alice had decided to go to school, it was if I could feel every minute drag by. It was good to have something to keep me busy. Every so often, I'd get anxious and have to duck back into the house to check the time. Three-thirty seemed like a long time away.

Guess it was about the fifth time I went back into the house that Esme gave me a long look. Her face changed. I felt a thrill of pleasure touch me.

"Excuse me." Esme walked into the house.

Didn't like what I was feeling from her. Maria had looked at me like that sometimes. What she did to me next was usually bad. Wary, I listened to Esme's progress in the house. She went directly to the rooms she shared with Carlisle. I heard a drawer slide open, then shut. A pause. Then Esme came back out, carrying something small in one hand. Everything I'd learned about her told me that I had nothing to fear from her, but I couldn't help tensing.

"I wanted to give you something. It's not much, just a hand-me-down," Esme said. "Thought it might help while you're waiting for Alice to come home instead of having to check the clock all the time."

She handed me a squarish flat box, its tan leather worn by time. A man's gold pocket watch was inside. A thick twisted gold chain ran through my fingers as I lifted the watch. Inside the domed cover was a classical scene of women in flowing robes dancing under a full moon. Tiny diamond chips filled the navy sky with stars, with a full moon cut from a white gemstone. The clock face was pale gold dial with the numbers and hands in black. One cutout on the clock face had an image of the moon in its proper phase, decorated in more enamel, and another cutout showed the date. I'd rarely seen anything so fine. "Thank you, Esme. It's a mighty handsome piece."

"I set to the right time." Then she added, "It was my father's."

Felt as if I'd been punched in the gut. Couldn't even speak for a moment. _She gave me her father's watch._ Mute, I held it out. Couldn't take it. Wasn't right.

Esme laughed. "You gave me my life, Jasper. What's a watch to that? Please take it. It'll make me happy. Can't you tell?"

Her pleasure was real. I managed a smile, and said, "Thank you." After slipping the watch into my jacket pocket, I buttoned it to make sure it wouldn't fall out. Turned away to hide my face. Went back to hauling mulch and manure, making sure to keep my emotions reined in tight. Didn't want her to know what I was feeling. Confused, mostly. Uncomfortable. Couldn't help wondering what her motive was in giving me such a personal gift. With Maria, her pleasure had often meant my pain. The Cullen's affection for Esme made it clear that she wasn't like that. Or was she simply more subtle? She must know what kind of problems giving me such a personal, expensive gift would cause. Maybe she liked causing turmoil. Guess I'd find out when the rest of them came back this afternoon.

Esme knelt down, using a garden hose to outline the bed. It took her a while before she was happy with the design. Then it was my turn. I dug in the stony dirt and laid down gravel, then a row of bricks. Together we turned the soil, adding the manure and mulch. The deep scent of the earth, the familiar work reminded me of my father's farm. Had to push unwelcome snatches of memories away. Didn't like to remember that time. Hurt too much to think about what I'd lost.

Insisting that we work at human speed, it took the rest of the day to finish planting the bushes and the scores of bulbs Esme has bought. Every once in a while, I pulled out the watch to check the time, wiping my hands carefully before I handled it. Before we finished, the rain that had been threatening all day started. When we were done, Esme looked at me and laughed. "You look like you've been rolling around in the mud." She gingerly poked at her hair where it had fallen out from her hat. Amused, she added, "I probably look worse."

Knowing better than to criticize any woman's appearance, I just smiled and shook my head. She was right though. She was black mud from head to toe.

"Guess we better shower and change before our family get home."

I nodded. "I'll put the tools away."

"Thank you, Jasper. It was good to have your help today."

"You're welcome." Course she hadn't needed my help. Working at vampire speed and strength, she could have gotten the entire garden planted in very little time. Was still grateful for something to fill the empty hours waiting for Alice. Since Carlisle hadn't mentioned releasing me from my punishment, I couldn't retreat to my usual method of passing the time. No books, except for the one Carlisle had given me. Would have to read it someday, but couldn't face it right now.

Took my time in cleaning the tools, storing them into Esme's immaculate tool shed. It was tempting to jump into the lake to get the dirt off, as I would have done when I was with Maria or as a nomad, but the Cullens had a different idea of what clean meant. Alice did too. Dutifully, I stripped down and took a shower, changed into clean clothes.

When the watch reported that it was three-thirty, I went to wait in the porch. Picked a place near the door with three escape paths. Didn't want to be backed into a corner. Thought it best to be prepared for the likely reactions from the Cullens. As I waited, the rain stopped, the clouds drifting apart, letting the golden autumn sunlight through.

As always, it was a relief to sense Alice's presence as they returned from school. The car stopped in front of the house. Alice, the sun setting her sparkling, jumped out and raced up the stairs before the others. Her eyes bright, she said, "Let me see!"

Didn't have to guess what she was asking about. I handed her the watch. "Gorgeous, isn't it?" Keeping my voice casual, I asked, "Did you tell the others about it?"

Preoccupied with opening and examining the watch, Alice nodded.

_Damn_. Alice wasn't worried, but I knew too well how limited her gift could sometimes be when emotions were involved. Didn't want her to be around when the three Cullens reached the door. Been careful not to make decisions, not to think about anything more than reacting to any situation since this morning. "Would you put it upstairs on the bureau? Thought I'd rake some leaves and I don't want to drop it."

Alice flashed me a questioning look, then shrugged. "Okay."

Emmett and Edward with Rosalie trailing behind walked up the stairs. I tensed.

"Now your arm," Alice said. "Let me see."

"It's healed." It wasn't the right time to do this.

"Jasper."

Knew that tone. Knew Alice wouldn't quit when she thought something was important. I wanted her gone, safe inside the house. Fastest way to do that was to give her what she wanted. Pushed up my sleeve. The slanting afternoon light flowed like water across me. It highlighted the scars that so battered my skin that it muted the normal rainbow effect. Just another sign that I was different.

"See? All healed." Tugged my arm away and put her behind me as I walked toward the stairs, pretending that I was going to start raking. Couldn't do anything more to urge Alice inside or she'd know something was going on. All I could do now was to get the Cullens away from her so I walked down the front steps, past the weight of their eyes on me. They'd seen my exposed arm. Their emotions were what I expected. Surprise, mostly. Rosalie's disgust was stronger than any other emotion. Couldn't help flinching at that.

"Exactly how many fights have you been in?" Emmett asked, a tough of awe in his voice.

With an immortal's memory, I suppose I could have counted every fight. Not much point to it. Shrugged as my answer. Thankfully, I heard Alice going inside. Started thinking that maybe Alice's insistence at checking my wound had worked as a great distraction from Esme's gift.

"That's right," Edward said. "Esme gave you her father's watch."

_Damn it_. He'd plucked the thought right from my head. Emmett and Rosalie exchanged a look.

"That was nice of her," Edward continued.

"Yeah," Emmett said. Beside him, Rosalie gave an audible sniff and walked into the house. Uninterested.

I froze in shock. Couldn't sense a single hint of the emotions I'd expected. Maria had made me her general, a position that the others resented, but tolerated. Yet, whenever Maria had given me a personal gift, every newborn had been flooded with jealousy, resentment, anger and greed. Experience had taught me that the minute I loosened my leash on their tempers, a fight would start. A fight that wouldn't end until Maria's gift was destroyed. Or I was forced to kill. Truth was that I never fought that hard to keep them. Was more interested in preserving the peace among the newborns than in Maria's 'gifts'. I'd often suspected Maria 'rewarded' me to keep the newborns hating me, as if to make sure I couldn't turn her army against her.

Emmett nudged Edward. "What's wrong with him?"

"He's shocked that we're not jealous about the watch," Edward said. "He thinks we should want to fight over it and take it away from him."

"Why? I got a dozen watches. Including ones that Carlisle and Esme gave me."

"Maria. Seems she liked to cause Jasper trouble," Edward said, his tone flat.

"Oh." Emmett. Muttering something that sounded like bitch, he said louder. "Jasper, I'm glad Esme gave you her watch, okay?"

Another nudge from Edward and they both walked past me to the door. Then Emmett stopped dead in his tracks. His mood changed, excitement and anticipation racing through him. He turned to face me with a grin."Wait a sec'. I changed my mind. I _am_ gonna' fight you for the watch."

Knew immediately it wasn't about the watch. Emmett had been waiting for a chance to test himself against me. However, I'd seen Emmett take down prey, mock-fight with Edward. His attacks reminded me too much of a newborn. Didn't want to hurt him, but I knew my instincts would betray me. Hadn't known him long enough to trust him, bone deep, the way I trusted Peter. Thought I'd be able to keep from killing him, but it would be hard.

Alice yelled something, but I couldn't hear the words as I watched Emmett stalk forward. I growled a warning but he took no notice. Big hands reached out toward me. Before he touched me, Emmett was hauled backward with a jerk. Then he was flying out over the car.

"Oh yeah?" Edward taunted Emmett. "You only get to fight Jasper if you get through me first." Without taking eyes off his indignant brother, Edward said, very fast. "Get out of the house. I'm going to have to wear him out before I can talk any sense into him."

"Thanks."

Edward nodded, then darted down the stairs to meet Emmett's charge, laughing.

_Yes, my initial impression was right. This is a very weird family_.


	12. How do you start a New Life?

**Becoming a Cullen**

[_First, I'm so intrigued about an Eclipse movie article that said, "Jasper's devotion to Maria is unquestioned until she makes a particularly ghoulish request." Sounds like it'll be a fun scene! I like these new insights that aren't in the book. Am so happy that we'll see more of Jasper in Eclipse! I'm looking forward to seeing him with Maria – I didn't think that they'd include scenes about her and Jasper in the movie at all. Anyway, here's the link to that article: .com/articles/2009-8-13-oscar-nominee-joins-the-twilight-saga-eclipse-cast. Second, sorry for the long delay in posting another scene, it's supposed to be a more complete chapter, but I've had such a hard time writing it that I'm going to have to cfontinue it for next time. At least now I know where it's going. I think. --_ _Please review!_ _Kelli]_

**Chapter 12. How do you start a New Life?**

_Jasper Whitlock_

Emmett was already charging back toward the porch from the yard. His determination to get to me was clear. Taking Edward's advice, I ran from the Cullen house. Leaving once more because I was afraid of what I might do. No matter his intent, if Emmett laid hands on me, I couldn't trust myself to react as if this were a game. This time though, I stopped for Alice. She was near the back door, holding out her hand, smiling as I came through the door. Knew then that she'd seen we were leaving. At least this time, it would be for a few hours. Not forever.

Alice knew my moods. She didn't speak as we ran. Didn't speak when we came to a mutual stop in a clearing deep in the pine forest. My back against a tree, hiding from the sunlight, I slid down to cradle Alice in my arms, her head nestling on my shoulder. She held Esme's watch in her hands, tracing the design inside the cover with a fingertip. Grateful to feel that she wasn't upset, wasn't angry, wasn't disappointed, I could let myself think. 'Course, couldn't help replaying what had happened today. With Esme. With Edward. With Emmett. They kept surprising me. Not good. For them or for me. Too many decades of living among volatile newborns had honed my instincts for survival until my normal reaction to the unexpected was violence. A few weeks of living with strangers wasn't enough to make those instincts fade. Carlisle had been wise to set boundaries for the others. Today was another reminder that I'm not safe around them. No matter what I wanted, I couldn't trust myself. Lord knows, it had taken years for me to trust Peter behind my back. Peter, my first and only friend while I was in Maria's coven. Peter, whom I'd allowed to escape with Charlotte, had come back to rescue me from my nightmarish existence, for no other reason than that friendship. He was one of the reasons I could believe Alice when she said that I would be a member of Carlisle's family.

Thing is, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not sure what that means. Being a Cullen, that is. Maria had created her coven for a specific purpose and wielded us all as weapons. She had always had a goal, a plan, a reason that kept us all focused. After I'd left her to join Peter and Charlotte, we just drifted. No goals, no desires except to stay unnoticed and to feed. That didn't change when I left them. Too worn-down by the burden of my gift to do more than go as for as long as I could between kills, I hadn't cared about anything.

Carlisle's goals for creating his family? The most obvious one, the one he admitted to, was companionship. Had been alone long enough before Alice found me to understand Carlisle's loneliness. Where the strangeness came in, as it always did when you thought about the Cullens, was Carlisle's reason for choosing who to turn, and how he treated them. Maria had selected humans who had some characteristic that would make them useful as fighters. Not Carlisle. He'd picked humans he felt sorry for; humans he thought had been cheated out of a future.

Then Carlisle had his personal goal, his peculiar decision to heal humans. Wouldn't be much of an empath if I couldn't sense his passion for his work. Esme seemed to desire nothing more than to be a wife and mother. For her to _want_ to take in a bunch of Carlisle's vampires and treat them, not as underlings, not as tools, but as adopted 'children'? When Alice had told me that, I'd thought that Esme had to be not quite sane. I've met vampires like that before, creatures that live in their own, imaginary world. They don't usually survive for long. Had been a shock to realize Carlisle and Esme's affection was returned, in full, by Carlisle's vampires. A shared madness, if you look at it from a normal vampire's view. I'd met others of our kind while I'd traveled with Peter and Charlotte. Apart from mated vamps, there'd never been any sense of family among the few groups we'd met. Just convenience.

I wasn't Carlisle bloodline. Didn't share their views on the way our world worked. How could I ever feel that same connection that the rest of them did? Couldn't even imagine feeling it, that sense of belonging. Knew Alice felt it. She'd belonged to them since her first visions. Suppose it was stupid of me to dwell on it. After all, I didn't need to feel like I was part of their family. All I had to do was follow Carlisle's rules so that I could stay with Alice. Besides, Emmett already felt like we could be friends, if he'd just give me time to learn to trust him. It wouldn't seem so strange, if I had a friend here. At least I could hope for that.

Alice tensed in my arms. Her eyes were blank. Then she blinked, chasing away whatever she'd seen.

"What is it, honey?"

"Carlisle. He's decided to send Emmett away. Maybe for years." Alice shook her head. "That means Rosalie will leave too."

Alice's sadness wasn't a surprise. She didn't want to lose any member of her new family. Frustration and guilt flooded me. "Because of me? I don't want that. I like Emmett."  
"I know."

When Alice didn't reassure me that this was because of me, I knew that it _was_ my fault. It wasn't right. Had to be a way to make it safe for me to be around him. Around all of them. Felt that all too familiar guilt tighten further in my gut. I owed Emmett. "Maybe if I talked to him, I could explain. Make him see that I can't fool around with him yet," I said. "Can you look ahead? See if me and Emmett play-fight each other, the way he and Edward do?"

Alice closed her eyes, her face going lax. It took awhile. Then her eyes flew open and she smiled up at me. The happiness flowing from her gave me my answer. "Thank you." I hesitated, reluctant, but knowing that he'd find out anyway, I asked. "Should I ask Edward?"

"Please." A gentle finger stroked my cheek. "Rosalie too."

Sucked in my breath at that. It was painful for me to be around such a brittle, unhappy person. Had done my best to avoid her. Rosalie made it easier by ignoring me. It'd be harder to talk with her there. She'd be judging everything I admitted to with that ingrained disdain of hers. Well, I'd been through worse. I nodded.

Alice's eyes were soft when she said, "Thank you. It makes a difference."

We stood. I slipped my hand under her arm and we walked back together. Tried to think of what to say and what not to say. While part of me knew that telling them what I'd told Alice about everything that Maria had done to me would help them understand, I couldn't bear the idea of them knowing. Couldn't bear feeling their contempt. Seemed inevitable that Edward would find out, but it wasn't the same as saying it straight out. Couldn't think about that now. Had to figure out how to convince Emmett to let me be for now.

_Emmett Cullen_

Edward was such a jerk sometimes. Like today, jumping between Jasper and me. Then Esme scolded me for throwing Edward through the front door. It was sort of closed at the time. We barely had time to put a new one in before Carlisle got home. Worse was when Rose ratted me out to Carlisle for trying to mess with Jasper. Carlisle wasn't happy with me, even when I tried to explain that Jasper had _expected_ me to jump him. He didn't buy it.

I couldn't be mad at Rose for telling Carlisle. I knew why. She hadn't taken to Jasper, or to Alice. She resented the way that everyone had welcomed Alice with open arms. For some reason she'd hated that Edward and Alice had bonded so fast. Since most of the time Rose has a hard time being civil to Edward, I'm not sure why she cares. Anyway, it was pretty plain that Rose had hoped Carlisle would send them away. Carlisle's frown had deepened when she complained about Jasper, how she was sure that he'd bring the family trouble. Then Rose had reminded Carlisle that Jasper had admitted that he couldn't be around humans like the rest of us.

Rose was shocked when Carlisle talked about sending _us_ away until Jasper had adjusted to our lifestyle. I knew she was hurt because Carlisle wasn't taking her side. It took me two hours to calm her down. At least she hadn't been mad at me for causing the whole thing. She was too busy being mad at everyone else to think about my part in this mess.

Alice came back alone and said Jasper wanted to talk to us. Rose got mad all over again and said no. Then Alice added that she and Jasper didn't want to see us leave. Rose wasn't happy, but she decided to listen. Edward joined us outside. Of course, he'd 'heard' Alice's invitation.

"Should Carlisle and Esme come?" Edward asked.

Alice shook her head.

"Oh, of course," Edward said.

It was so damned annoying. I interrupted their private conversation. "'Of course what?"

Edward looked at Alice, then at me. "Jasper doesn't feel comfortable around Carlisle."

"He's not comfortable around any us," Rosalie retorted. "All he does is lurk around in the corners."

"He's making progress," Edward snapped back.

"Now you're on his side?" Rosalie put her hands on her hips.

_Oh, oh_. Major storm signals were brewing. I rubbed Rose's back, trying to soothe her, but she stepped away from me, getting into Edward's face. I knew she was itching for a fight. Not that she and Edward ever got physical. They just screamed at each other. Well, okay, maybe sometimes Rose threw things. And she had really good aim. I winced, remembering a couple of times she'd dinged me.

"Rosalie, please-" Alice started to say.

"Stay out of this!" Rosalie's voice went higher.

Rose took a step toward Alice, her beautiful face twisted in anger. I froze, wanting to protect tiny Alice from Rose's temper, but my wife would never forgive me if I did.

Before either Edward or I could intervene, Jasper was there, standing in front of Alice.

_Shit_. Fighting for fun was one thing, but protecting your mate was something else. Brought out the worst in us.

This was going to get bad.

On the other hand, at least I'd finally get to see Jasper fight.


	13. A Starting Place

**Becoming a Cullen**

[_I know it's been a while, and this is quite short, more filler than anything else. Sorry. Been waffling about where the plot should go and where to end it. Have an ending now, just trying to find a way to get there that's interesting –Take care,_ _Kelli]_

**Chapter 13. A Starting Place**

_Jasper Whitlock_

It's hard to turn your back on near eighty years of experience, hard to forget your past when reminders are embossed on your very skin. Maria's coven, like all covens, had been like a pack of wolves, a collection of killers locked into a ferocious, ever-lasting clawing for a higher place in the pecking order, for the leader's approval, for survival. At best, Maria's coven had been an uneasy alliance between newborns forged by benefit of my gift, my warrior's skills, and Maria's leadership. Had lived every day knowing that if my control slipped, the newborns would have gone after me. Couldn't ever trust any of them behind my back. Until Peter. He'd survived long enough for me to let myself like him, trust him.

Couldn't argue with myself any longer that it was like Maria's coven here. Carlisle's vampires _were_ different. Maybe because they never had to fight over food. Maybe because they had established roles, that there was no ambition on anyone's part to take over as leader. Or maybe it was because they lived so much like humans, even in the privacy of their house, that made them different. Wasn't sure of the reasons, but I did know that I'd never felt anything like the atmosphere around them. The simple lack of fear, the underlying web of affection between them, made me feel, well, I won't say safe. Felt comfortable-like. Had to admit that Edward still made my hackles go up. Wasn't fair to him, I know. He'd gone out of his way to help me, more than once, for no reason that I could understand. Perhaps he did it for Alice. Maybe it was because he believed so much in Carlisle's vision that he was willing to help an uncivilized nomad learn to fit in. Annoyed the hell out me to admit that I needed help. No matter how much Alice had tamed me, Maria had owned me far longer.

Thinking of Alice reminded me that she'd been gone long enough to get to the house and back again. Wondering what the delay was, I brushed through the trees until I had a sightline to the back porch. Alice was outside with Edward, Rosalie and Emmett. Didn't like the way the three Cullens stood there, towering over Alice. Too far away to sense their emotions, I had to fall back on words, on their body language to figure out what was happening. Rosalie snapped an angry remark at Alice, took a stalking step toward her.

That was enough for me. I sped toward them, putting myself in front of Alice before Rosalie could take a second step. Told Alice I wouldn't start any fights, but I'd be damned sure to end any.

Nobody touches my Alice.

Then, not for the first time, my gift betrayed me. My anger bled out. Once more, their emotions were nothing like what I expected. Didn't know what to do.

I froze.

_Emmett Cullen_

Funny how things work out. I'd been aching for a chance to go toe to toe with my new brother, but this wasn't what I wanted. Not a serious fight. All of us went still as soon as Jasper appeared and put himself in front of Alice. Guess it looked like we were ganging up on her.

Jasper's face was a cold mask, but at least he wasn't growling. Rose's tough, but she took a step toward me, as if she were intimidated. I put a hand on her back to comfort her. Jasper's expression made his scars standout more, not that any of us needed a reminder of his past. I heard Edward take a breath, about to speak, but before he could say anything, two strange things happened.

Alice laughed. A trill of happiness that sent a shiver up my spine. Had to say it was surprising. As if she was happy that Jasper was going to fight us. Would never have thought that she was like that. The second thing? I got calm. Really calm. A second ago, I'd been eager to fight. Now, I was too mellow to bother. Had to be Jasper. Tried to fight it, but how do you fight a mood? It was so unfair. Couldn't even get upset about it either.

Only a second had gone by. Long enough for one of us to do something, anything but stand there like a bunch of idiots. Nobody was moving though. I sure as hell wasn't going to start anything. Not after getting my backside pinned to the wall by Carlisle this afternoon. Guess we were all waiting to see what Jasper would do. Like everything to do with Jasper, he wasn't doing anything normal. I mean, I've been in fights with nomads before. If Carlisle was there, he'd try to ruin it and make peace, but at least there was a _chance_ for a fight. Most times the nomads would decide that odds were bad and run instead. I honestly expected Jasper to go for one of us; and when I say us, I mean Edward, but he didn't. He just stood there. He'd glanced at Alice real fast, after she laughed. Now he was just staring at us again, looking like he was confused.

Couldn't help sneaking a glance at Edward. He seemed just as confused. He asked the question I was thinking. "The way you are around Alice, why didn't you just attack us?"

Jasper looked at Edward, his face showing his surprise at the question. Then he frowned. And said nothing.

"Wow, you hate the idea." Edward chuckled. "But you're right."

Even through the calm, I wanted to whack Edward. "Right about what?"

"Jasper knows that I'd protect Alice," Edward said. Over Rose's hiss of disapproval, he continued hastily, "If there was any need. Jasper knows that Rosalie would never hurt Alice."

Rose crossed her arms. She glared at Jasper, as if he'd offended her. "You're that sure?"

"Yes," Jasper said. "You're angry, but you have too much self-control to give into it. Carlisle told me you've never tasted human blood. Not once. Anyways, it's my fault that Carlisle's upset. You knew that. You wouldn't blame Alice. It's my fault."

That was a clever thing to say. Jasper used the right tone of admiration and respect too. Rose ate it up. I could feel her relax.

"He means it," Edward whispered to me. Loud enough so that Rose could hear too.

"Good." I felt a twinge of pride. Rosalie _is_ pretty amazing.

"You know what this means, right?" Edward said. "You do trust us."

Alice had a big grin on her face. She stepped closer to Jasper and slid a hand around his upper arm. Oh, so that was why she'd laughed. She'd seen this. That Jasper wasn't going to fight us. _Damn it_. Jasper didn't look happy, but he didn't deny it.

"About damned time, little brother," I couldn't help saying.

Jasper looked at me. His expression changed. He looked afraid. Afraid!

I just don't get him.

"Emmett, it's the same as this afternoon," Edward said. "Jasper's trust is too new. His instincts too ingrained. If you guys try to wrestle he's afraid his instincts will overwhelm that trust."

I was so sick of hearing this. So what if Jasper lost it? It wasn't as I was going to let him hurt me. I rolled my eyes. Remembering Carlisle's lecture, I knew it was pointless to argue. "Yeah, I know, I know. I got it."

"You will though," Alice said. She looked up at me. "Can't tell when though. Definitely not here. If you give Jasper some time, Emmett."

Jasper looked at me then, surprise showing on his face. I grinned at him. He actually smiled back at me.

"I'm glad," Edward said. He checked us out, and then looked back at Jasper. "Can you crank down the calm? I don't think we need it anymore."

The calm faded away.

"Any need to talk anymore?" Edward asked.

Jasper shook his head.

"Yes, there is." It was Rosalie. She folded her arms across her chest. Always a bad sign. "That's just swell that you trust us, but why should we trust you?"

"Carlisle made that decision already," Edward said. "Why are you-"

"Stay out this, Edward," Rose snapped. She was glaring at Jasper. "You've already put us in danger by going to the school despite Carlisle telling you not to. When will you do something even dumber?"

"Rose, can't this wait?" I said. Diverting Rose once she was on the warpath was useless, I know, but I tried. On the other hand, I was curious about what Jasper had been planning to tell us. Carlisle and Edward had been pretty closemouthed about what had happened before Jasper took off.

"It's all right," Jasper said. "Alice's told me about all of you. You should know more about me."

"You don't have to do this, Jasper. Not now," Edward said.

Jasper shrugged. "Sorry, I know my memories aren't pleasant. Maybe you should stay here."

_Nice try, Jasper_. I remembered him telling me about his uneasiness at having Edward inside his head. Edward would never miss a chance to play holy Christian martyr.

Edward shot me an angry look and I grinned at him. _You know it's true, Edward._

He snorted. Then his answer backed up my prediction. "That's okay, Jasper. I want to listen."

Of course Edward did.

"Let's go." Rose strode forward and I followed along.

This wasn't going to be as much fun as a fight, but maybe it'll be interesting.

Maybe.


	14. Change, and Change Again

**Becoming a Cullen**

[_My apologies for the long delay in posting an update. Went through a significant, but happy, life changing event and it's been hard finding time to write. Story note: I started this story because I find Jasper such an interesting character and there were things about him that I wanted to explore. Ms. Meyer leaves many things open to interpretation. Only Ms. Meyer knows the real answers, so this is just one suggestion. --_ _Please review!_ _Kelli]_

**Chapter 14. Changes **

_Jasper Whitlock_

It was another peculiar day in this new life. A life I couldn't have imagined when I'd been serving Maria, or when wandering with Peter and Charlotte. Worst thing about being with the Cullens? Have to keep changing the way I _think_ about things. Unsettling. Didn't much like it.

Carlisle had said that change was difficult for our kind. That some couldn't adjust. Or wouldn't. No need to discuss what happened to them then. We both knew. Had seen it firsthand. Madness, with death at the end. Me? Been forced to change more than most. Though I'd belonged to Maria from the moment she'd changed me, it hadn't been enough for her. No matter that she claimed to care for me, rewarded me often, she'd forced a change as radical as the first, taking me from a person to something close to property. Survived long enough to reclaim some small part of what I'd once been. Enough to let Peter escape, despite knowing how Maria would react. Five years later, when Peter came back for me, I was ready to reclaim my freedom.

My gift had forced the next change. As my empathic abilities had grown, I paid for each kill with a forced bonding with my victims, drowning in their terror, sharing their deaths while reliving my own at Marie's hands. While Peter and his mate tried to sympathize, they couldn't understand. When I couldn't live the way they did anymore, I left them, drifting without purpose, each day feeling more and more despondent, more detached from the world. Until Alice. Who'd altered me more than Maria had done. Love's such a paltry word to describe how I feel about her. _Will_ always feel about her.

Alice had told me about the Cullens. Shocked me when she told me that our kind could survive off animals. For the first time in my existence as a vampire, I'd consciously decided to change. Not that it'd been easy. The craving for human blood, more than mere thirst, was a constant. With Alice beside me, most days I was able to overcome it. Most days.

All those changes. Would 'a thought I'd be used to the idea by now.

Not hardly true.

Refusing to think about what had been done to me or about what I'd done to survive had helped me endure the last eighty-odd years. All of my secrets had been buried with each set of newborns who'd witnessed the way Maria had used me. By the time Peter had been turned, I was so completely Maria's creature that she'd grown bored with me. She'd found other targets for her amusement. Peter had never known the truth about me.

Now the Cullens expected me to expose all the ugliness of my past without holding back. Didn't help that Edward had already seen some of the worst of it from my mind. I'd given Alice the barest summary. Didn't want her to hear the details, yet once I'd decided to talk, Alice would know it anyway. Having her hear this was going to be a penance of the worst kind. Becoming a Cullen was more painful than I'd ever expected.

Rosalie led the way into the woods. Had to step away as she swept past, her emotions scalding me with an uneasy mix of suspicion and annoyance along with the undertone of anger that seemed native to her personality. Not a pleasant combination. Tempting as it was to reach out to her with my gift, knew it wasn't right. Could no longer interfere to please myself. The newborns had never known how I'd manipulated them, but the Cullens knew about my abilities. Can't imagine they'd be pleased if I messed with them. Would ruin any attempt to build some trust between us.

Emmett and Edward followed Rosalie, but not before they gave me similar looks of apology for their sharp-tongued sister. Made them look like brothers. Gesture told me so much more than anything they could have said. While both of them had the capability, neither attempted to dominate or control Rosalie. Not even to keep her from acting like such a … witch.

Sorta' wished that they would. Made me wish that Carlisle's rules weren't so damn _human_. In many ways, life in Maria's coven had been easier. Settling problems with newborns was simple. A fight where needed, a nip or two as a reminder when a newborn mistook their place, and otherwise relied on my gift to keep things calm. In the end, everyone in the coven knew where they stood. Didn't have to jaw about it either.

Rosalie led us back to the same clearing in the woods where we'd talked before. Must be a place they used often. Edward repeated what Carlisle had told the others about my past. Surprised me that Carlisle, or Edward, hadn't told them much more than I'd been in the Southern Wars. He gestured to me to start. Halting, I told them how I'd been turned. What my life had been like with Maria. Grew harder and harder to force the words out.

Then Edward did it again. Surprised me. I faltered once more when I got to the time when Maria had realized to what uses my gift could be put to. Forced me to seduce other vampires. To please her, we began capturing enemy coven leaders instead of killing them during battles. Didn't happen too often. Wasn't exactly safe. But she got, as always, what she wanted from me. Couldn't fake love. Back then, hadn't known what it felt like. Lust was easier. Was surrounded by it. Lust for power, for sex, for _things_. Knew that feeling well. Maria had found a sick enjoyment in forcing her defeated enemies to crave her body, to tease and taunt them while they burned for her. Enjoyed hurting them even as they begged to touch her. Made me ashamed when I think of it now, but I'd been grateful that someone else was serving in her bed. That she was doing it to them instead of to me.

Edward spoke for me then. He could have done so much to make it worse for me. Could have smirked, been contemptuous, or done any of a thousand things to make the others despise me. 'Cept he wasn't doing any of them. Wasn't glorying in revealing my shame. Had to admit that all my fears about him had been wrong.

Truth was, Edward's as bizarre as Carlisle.

He's decent.

He _feels_ compassion. For me and what I'd gone through.

Means that like the rest of them, he had a good handful a' crazy in his head. Had to be, to live everyday in this make-believe world they've built.

In my world, none of them would have lasted a day.

Kind 'a made me hate Edward. Just a little. Knew it was jealousy and fear that he was more worthy of Alice than I was. Wasn't rational, I know. Alice must have _seen_ something. That maybe I'd act on my feelings, since she pressed closer to me, tucking her tiny hand on my arm. I let her love wash over me, distracting me.

The others? Knew by now that their reactions would be different from what I'd expect. Like Emmett's reaction at the hotel when I'd let my pain bleed out over him. He'd been angry at Maria for my sake. He was angry for me now.

Had expected Rosalie to despise me. Instead, I could feel her sympathy as Edward spoke of my ordeals at Maria's hands. Summing my life with the coven up, he managed to skip the particulars while making it clear what my life had been like, for which I was grateful. Then I picked up the story again. Told them about Peter and Charlotte. That Peter had come back for me and I'd left Maria without a word or a second thought.

"Without him, would 'a never believed that our kind could have friends. That I could look at another vampire without seeing them as a rival or a threat." I smiled down at Alice. "Peter made it possible for me to believe Alice when she told me about ya'll."

"But you left Peter and his mate before you met Alice. Why?" Edward asked.

"They didn't have any problems killing. My gift forced me to suffer each human's emotions as they died, relive my own death. It kept getting worse, stronger with each kill. I just wasn't fit company to be around anymore." I shrugged. "As kind as they'd been, they couldn't understand what it felt like. They were relieved when I left."

"Then Alice found you, years later, and told you that our kind could live off animal blood," Edward added. "That's why your eyes were gold when you joined us."

I nodded, relieved that this talk was over. They knew everything, or as much as made no difference. What else was there to talk about?

"Wait."

It was Rosalie. Of course.

"I have some questions."

Alice slipped her hand in mine as her questions got more detailed, pressing against memories of pain. It was like the papers Carlisle had given me to read. Couldn't bear to read them. Not yet. As always, Alice's touch helped. Could calm myself down. Tried to answer without getting upset.

"… Didn't you ever feel guilty about killing them?" Rosalie asked. "The newborns, I mean?"

Told her the truth, even if it told them what a monster I had been. "By the time that Maria ordered me to kill newborns for the first time, I'd stopped caring much about anything. Besides, what difference did it make? She'd made me into a demon and I was damned in any case."

Felt such a stab of pain and regret from Edward that it stopped me short. It was a revelation. That it hurt him, the idea that he was damned. Wasn't something I thought about. As long as I had Alice, nothing else mattered.

"You even killed newborns you brought over yourself, didn't you?" Rosalie asked.

I nodded. Could feel a spike of dismay, horror flash through them all.

"You didn't feel responsible for the newborns you made?" Edward asked.

They didn't like my answer. "As long as they were useful."

"How many newborns have you killed?" Rosalie asked.

Could've counted them up, I guess. Didn't really want to know. I shrugged.

"How many battles have you been in?" Emmett asked. "How many vampires have you fought?"

"Don't know." Again, with my vampire's perfect memory, could have counted the total, but again, wasn't something I cared about.

No one pressed me on it.

"It hurts you to kill humans," Rosalie said. She leaned forward, her face hard. "That's why you feed off animals now. What if it didn't?"

"Rose-" Edward started to object, but she cut him off.

"No. It's important. We all make a deliberate choice every day. To not feed off humans. It sounds like Jasper only cares about sparing himself pain." Rosalie crossed her arms. Her eyes were cold as she stared at me. "Do you _have_ any morals? Or is your moral code like all the rest of them? Do what you want, just don't get caught?"

Morals?

Rosalie expected me to have morals? After all she'd heard about my past?

I struggled, trying not to laugh. She was right that I was like all other sane vampires. Keeping my nature a secret an d not getting caught had been the only rules I'd followed until Alice had found me.

"Jasper?"

Alice's wide eyes were locked on my face, a questioning look that burned me. Knew then that my Alice wanted me to be like them. Like Edward. Like Carlisle.

Wanted me to join the others in their madness. Not just pretend to be human, but to live as a human, adopt a human's moral code.

Maria had changed me. Took me from human to monster.

What Alice wanted would change me more. Cause me just as much pain. Would never tell her that. Glared over at Edward to make sure he kept his mouth shut.

Truth was that I wasn't sure I could do it.

Not even for Alice.


	15. Chapter 15

**Becoming a Cullen**

[_Yes, it's been awhile. I just haven't been motivated to write. Also wasn't sure what should happen next. Not for lack of plot ideas so much as what plot points would continue Jasper's emotional journey. NOTE: While it's taken months to write this, the story is set over a handful of days a few weeks after Jasper and Alice join the Cullens. And yes, this is short, hopefully I'll be able to write more for the next chapter. – Thank you so much to every person who took the time to review! They really mean a lot to me as I'm sure they do to the other authors. It's nice that people select this as a fav story and want an alert, but a review is like gold! – Story note: Although some fan fiction suggest a close relationship between Jasper and Rosalie, there's nothing in the books that support it. This story goes in a different direction because that seems truer to the characters to me. Of course, I realize that my take is no more correct than anyone else's, except for Ms. Meyer. Also, as much as I love Jasper, he's not a nice man, and I wanted to explore that aspect of his character. Thanks to Ms. Meyer, as always, for creating such a fun universe and allowing us to share it. -_ _Please review!_ _Flames are okay_. – I owe response to some reviewers. Sorry! I do plan to answer. - _Kelli]_

**Chapter 15. Small Bites**

_Edward Cullen_

Teeth tore out the first victim's throat, mouth clamping on the gushing artery as the failing heart pumped blood for a few beats then stilled. The drained carcass was tossed aside and Jasper flung himself after another deer, catching the doe as it startled away at the sound of the buck's body crashed to the ground behind her.

Crushed underneath the bodies, crisp brown maple leaves released a scent that was the essence of autumn. His next breath was filled with the tang of blood, increasing the burn in Edward's throat. He moved upwind, increasing his distance from Jasper, knowing his new brother was uneasy when he was too close during a hunt. Trust issues. Edward had caught enough flashes of Jasper's past to understand his wariness.

Jasper was a fast, efficient killer. Edward had to give him that. As fast as Jasper was, Edward was sure he was faster. The thought gave him comfort. If Jasper ever turned against the family, it'd give him another edge. Not that Edward was expecting anything. Not really. He couldn't help being concerned though. As closed off as Jasper had been when he and Alice had first arrived, Jasper had retreated further into himself after the disastrous discussion two days ago. After revealing more about his horrific past with Maria, Rose had kept pushing, as she always did, eager to wring the last bit of pain out of any situation.

After seeing how Jasper had reacted to Carlisle's emotions, Edward had been surprised by Jasper's control. Jasper hadn't allowed Rose's questions to ruffle his exterior calm while his thoughts had veered between anger and contempt. It'd taken Edward a whole day to realize why Jasper hadn't reacted. It was simple. Jasper didn't give a damn what Rosalie thought of him.

Once Rose had finished venting her spleen, she'd walked away, content that she'd put Jasper in his place. For once in his long life, Edward had no idea how to act, how to reconcile two people with such diverse views. As much as he disliked Rose most days, he sympathized with her anger. He was repulsed by what Jasper had done, but wasn't sure if it was fair to blame him or his creator.

Edward shook his head. It felt like he was on quicksand with Jasper. With all his experience, the decades of being immersed in other minds, he could see patterns of behavior, in general he could predict how people would behave, but he had no idea how Jasper would react in different situations. He didn't like it. Despite his own gift, despite the clear effort that Jasper was making, it felt like Jasper remained a stranger to him, to the rest of the family. Except for Emmett, who'd get along with a rabid dog. And for some strange reason, Jasper seemed to ghost after Esme when Alice wasn't with him.

Having fed earlier, he fell in beside Jasper as he started the long trip back. Emmett had spilt off in the morning, hoping to find a bear who was late in hibernating.

"You worry too much."

Edward blinked. It wasn't like Jasper to initiate a conversation.

"Rose and I don't have to like each other," Jasper continued. "I'll mind my manners and stay out of her way."

"How did you know that's what I was thinking about?" Edward asked.

"You've been fretting ever since that talk ended." Jasper said. "Every time I come near Rose, you react. Not that hard to figure out."

_That talk_. It had been bad enough that neither of them had to add an explanation. "It was the children that did it for Rose."

Jasper nodded. "I know."

Another flash from Jasper's past, a baby in his hands. A hunger so intense that it was maddening. Shuddering, Edward tried to pick up Emmett's thoughts as a counter to the bloody memory.

"I didn't drink that child. It's death was a kindness." Jasper voice was soft.

Another spate of memories chilled Edward. Limbs torn off screaming humans as vampires fought over food. The baby flung out of its mother's arms. Jasper caught it. Snapped its neck. Edward took a few deep breaths to calm himself before he spoke. "A kindness?"

"We'd killed everyone. It was a week away to another town. Better to let it starve?"

Of course Jasper felt Edward's shock, his dismay. "Rosalie was right to call me a monster," Jasper said. "It's true."

Edward struggled for something to say that acknowledged Jasper's words but didn't further strain their relationship by agreeing. He didn't want to call his new brother a monster. All he could give back was another truth, "You didn't know any better."

The pale autumn sun warmed Edward's back as he led Jasper through marshy fields and up and down rocky hills. He was conscious, as always, how the soft rustling of animals quieted and the birds went silent as they neared. Nature itself abhorred his kind. It was a thought that often crept into his mind when he was forced to think about what he was. What Carlisle had made him.

They slowed where two creeks met. Beavers dived, retreating to the dam they were building across one creek. They'd agreed to meet Emmett here. Edward, aware of Jasper's watching him, sat down on boulder that was the right size to use as a makeshift chair. Giving Jasper a deliberate smile, he pointed to another boulder with his chin, and said. "Care to join me?"

A flash of annoyance came and went on Jasper's face. Without comment though, he sat down, facing Edward. "Ever wonder what would have happened if the vamp that turned Carlisle had hung around long enough to teach him how to be a regular vampire?" Jasper asked.

"Yes." Edward amplified the bald statement. "I think that Carlisle would have sooner or later made the same choices that led him to be a doctor."

Jasper's face hardened, clearly disagreeing. "Or be dead. Depends on the coven leader."

More flashes of Jasper's past. Things Maria had done to him, games she's played. Edward winced. "Maybe you're right."

Both of them were silent then.

Jasper's thoughts were in complete agreement with Edward's when they both heard a third pair of feet crunching through dry autumn leaves.

"Thank God, Emmett's back!"


	16. Cullen Companionship

**Becoming a Cullen**

[_- A short scene between Edward and Jasper. I continue to enjoy thinking about how different their backgrounds are and how much they can surprise each other with their assumptions about how their world works. -_ _Please review!_ _Flames are okay_. - _Kelli]_

**Chapter 16. Cullen Companionship**

_Jasper Whitlock_

_Maria hooked fingers into the waistband of my muddy uniform and tugged. Deep red eyes looked up at me through long lashes. "Take them off."_

_Demon eyes. Made me shudder. Stupid, when I knew my eyes looked the same._

_Her fingers tugged again, brushed against my skin. It was hard to think or feel much of anything beyond the constant burn in my throat, but I felt something then. Another kind of need. Made me burn in a whole different way. Didn't care much anymore what color her eyes were. Grinning, I put my hands on her arms and bent down to kiss her._

_A casual slap rocked my head back. "Did I say you could touch me?"_

"JASPER!"

The exasperation as much as the shouting dragged me away from my past. I blinked, shaking off the waking memories. "Edward? What is it?"

"Please. Can you think about something else besides that…woman?"

Annoying mind-reader. I nodded. Was proud of myself that I didn't snarl at him first. I hate that I can't even keep my misery private. Would rather think about Alice anyway. Her teasing mention of some new lingerie made me eager to get back from the hunt. We'd gone up across the border into Canada, farther than I like to go, but their rules about changing where they hunted every couple of months made sense. I lengthened my stride.

Edward groaned. "Do you have to think about Alice like that?"

His irritation was clear, rasping and uncomfortable. Had to stop myself from soothing it away. Wasn't the first time I'd felt his aversion to something so completely natural. Seems right peculiar. Made me curious about Edward's relationship with his creator. Carlisle was mated now, but it didn't seem hardly right that he might never touch Edward again.

"What the hell do you mean?" Edward stopped dead in his tracks. His face was distorted, his fists clenched.

Had never felt such a strong emotion from Edward before. Knew that rage this extreme always meant violence. Unless I interfered. After decades of controlling twenty or more vampires, it was dirt easy to calm him. His entire body lost its tension. Edward's voice was composed when he asked, "Are you doing this?"

I nodded. "Not gonna' fight you. It'd make Alice unhappy." Didn't usually apologize but Alice would want me to. I added, "Sorry 'bout using my gift. But why are mad at me?"

"Because of the filth you were thinking."

"Huh? What're you talking about?"

"You think that Carlisle turned me so he'd have a lover." Despite my control, his voice was grating.

"Why else? He sure wasn't building an army."

"Carlisle wanted a companion," Edward said.

"Right." Of course Carlisle did. Who could blame him after being alone for so long? "That's right what I was thinking." I added. "So why are you angry at me?"

"Not for sex!"

Took me a few seconds to track what Edward was saying. "You mean Carlisle turned you so that he'd have someone to _talk_ to?"

_Edward Cullen_

I'd never seen Jasper like this.

He was rolling on the ground, having a fit of some kind. He appeared unable to speak. All I could hear were deep guttural sounds interspersed with gasps for air. His mind was too jumbled for me to pick out anything that made sense. I was about to run to get help when I caught a single clear thought from him, and realized what was happening.

Jasper was laughing.


	17. Edward's Punishment

Becoming a Cullen

[_- Another short chapter. -_ _Please review!_ Thanks, _Kelli]_

**Chapter 17. Edward's Punishment **

_[Edward Cullen]_

Emmett reappeared. He glanced at Jasper, then glared down at me. "What did you do? Did you break Jasper?"

I sighed. "No. He's laughing."

"Oh." Emmett relaxed. He reached down one massive hand. Jasper grabbed it and stood up, a trace of a grin on his face.

Despite my annoyance, I had to note how much progress Jasper had made. He'd let down his guard to laugh. He didn't react violently when Emmett appeared. He let Emmett help him up. Small things for anyone else. Amazing when you consider how he would have reacted just a week ago.

"What's so funny?" Emmett asked.

Jasper shot me a look, but said nothing. Knowing that Emmett would plague me until I told him, I said, "He found it amusing that Carlisle turned me in order to have a friend."

"Why's that funny?"

"I have no idea."

Jasper snickered.

A smug expression crossed Emmett's face. "Of course, Carlisle turned me for sex."

"Emmett!" I added hastily, "He means-"

"I know," Jasper said. "For Rosalie."

"Yup. She took one look at me and had to have me." Emmett flexed his biceps, his smug expression deepening. "Even as a human I was …

I lost track of Emmett's voice, transfixed by Jasper's thoughts. For a second, he imagined Emmett as human, sized up his potential as cannon fodder, even as a woman's seductive voice muttered in Spanish, 'Yes, take him for my army.' He had only to think of Maria and Jasper's thoughts slid into uglier memories. Faces and names of hundreds of newborns created only to be slaughtered in battle or when their usefulness was over. The flood of images was interrupted by a sweet high-pitched voice.

"Eddddwwwaaaard! Come home _now_. Don't make me late."

The three men turned toward the sound of Esme's voice and started running.

"Hey, thanks again, Edward. If you hadn't made Carlisle mad, it'd be my turn," Emmett said.

Off Jasper's unasked question, I added. "My punishment. I have to help Esme do the grocery shopping. For the next six months."

"Shopping?" Jasper's steps faltered. He teetered on the edge of another explosion of mirth, but it passed. His steps quickened. "For someone with your gift it must be hard. Ah'm sorry."

I shrugged. "It's not that bad. Just boring."

Esme was waiting by the Chrysler, wearing a matching dress, hat and gloves like the other housewives we'd see shopping at the S&P downtown. At least she didn't clip green stamps. She ran a critical eye over my clothes. "I suppose you'll do."

"May I drive?"

She hesitated. "It won't call attention to us? A seventeen year old driving his mother?"  
"No. The other woman will think it sweet."

A twinkle lit her eyes. She leaned forward and put a finger under my chin. "You _are_ sweet."

"Esme!"

She got into the passenger seat, laughing.

It seemed like everyone was having fun at my expense today.

_[Jasper Whitlock]_

Alice warned us.

Carlisle ordered us to pack. Essentials only.

We were ready when Esme and Edward returned. The black paint along the Chrysler's right side was scraped, a long dent along the whole side.

Esme's guilt, her shame had swamped me. She sprang out of the car, hurrying into Carlisle's arms.

Smelled it first. Then I saw it. Splashes of red on Esme's tan shoes. More blood was soaked into her dress.

Esme had killed.

Now I'd see what kind of leader Carlisle really is.


End file.
